» You Can Tell Pretty Much Everything You Need to Know About a Man from the Way He Drives Barstool Sports: New York City

You Can Tell Pretty Much Everything You Need to Know About a Man from the Way He Drives

The First 100 Yards After Paying a Toll

This lane-less, lawless, free-for-all scramble is not only a battle for positioning on the highway, but in life in general. The reckless Wild West that is those first 100 yards will provide more answers to “Who am I?” than any doctor, medicine, or run-in with shrooms ever could. Are you gonna weave in and out of your fellow man to establish dominance as the lead of the pack? Will you let the Asian in her minivan cut you off and control the left lane? Or will you pay the toll with exact change like a pussy and not even enter the pursuit of superiority? Change-payers are scared. Scared to fail, so they hedge their bets by coming to a complete stop to pay the toll, and gently coasting to the middle lane.

The Quick Left

There’s a fine line between asshole and aggressive when it comes to driving, and the quick left at a red light turned green toes this line like no other. Eye contact with the driver coming straight is a killer, but whether or not a man has the balls to take off at the change and pull the left is a clear indication of who he is on the inside. Some will call it a dick move, but if you’re asleep at the wheel for one second, I’m taking what’s rightfully mine.

The Yellow Light Decision

You’re 100 feet out, and the green just turned yellow. What’s your play? Your heart’s racing with indecision, beads of sweat accumulate on your forehead- you have two options: brake before the intersection like a timid guy named Glen or accelerate through to the other side with a sense of pride and conviction. I think it’s safe to assume a direct correlation between penis size and the reaction to the in-between distance yellow light.

Merge Chicken

If you and another driver a couple lanes over are attempting to capture the same spot in the lane that separates the two of you, do you give up position or attempt to edge him out? Somebody’s getting that spot. I just don’t know if I could look myself in the mirror if that somebody wasn’t me.

Take note of these subtle consistencies the next time you’re on the road, and maybe you’ll understand why you got beat out for the promotion by the guy who just sped through the yellow light that you stopped for.

By strasser posted July 26th, 2012 at 4:10 PM

Top 2 Comments

37 comments Sort by Popularity Sort by Date

Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by cantgetthestinkout on July 26, 2012 at 4:13 pm
The first three depend entirely on how many beers I've had.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by leftlane39 on July 26, 2012 at 4:15 pm
Considering you make a living out of driving (albeit it's delivering cheesy bread), I have no choice but to agree with everything you have written. Good job, Papa John.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by fabregas on July 26, 2012 at 4:16 pm
you fucking deliver pizza for a living. out of my face with your life lessons. only thing you should do with a car is wrap your lips around the tail pipe and suck.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by Numero Two on July 26, 2012 at 4:21 pm
Can we talk about the people who get right to the concrete dividers and then switch lanes? I consider myself a pretty reasonable human being but if you told me tomorrow anyone pulling that shit would get executed on site I wouldn't bat an eye.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by meriweathershelmet on July 26, 2012 at 4:30 pm
Numero Two hit the nail on the head. People read the sign that says left lane closed, 1 mile, and then stay in the left lane for that entire mile, passing hundreds of cars that have been waiting for MUCH longer, before forcing their way into the lane on the right. I make it a point to stare them down, flip them off, and NEVER in a million years do I allow enough space between me and the car in front of me for them to sneak in. Fuck these people, they all should be sent to nazi-style concentration camps and burned in ovens.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by meriweathershelmet on July 26, 2012 at 4:32 pm
Also, you forgot the single most irritating thing people do on highways. The "I'm going the speed limit in the left lane and I don't care what anyone else thinks" guy. I support the death penalty for him.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by dalesturtevant on July 26, 2012 at 4:34 pm
BORING
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by mjp243 on July 26, 2012 at 4:35 pm
fuck you strasser. this was a terrible article. little caesar passing out rules of the road and telling me how small his penis is. retarded
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by darkknight on July 26, 2012 at 4:37 pm
meriweathershelmet: those people are typically from pennsylvania and/or "ethnic"
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by tr1d3nt on July 26, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Great topic but the blog was a let down. You forgot assholes who drive in the left lane at 60MPH, and then when you get in the right lane to pass them, suddenly they speed up. Fuck those assholes.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by Freckles McGee on July 26, 2012 at 4:47 pm
numero and meriweather, you are 100% incorrect. both lanes should be used until the dividers force a merge, which by the way is the fucking point in having the dividers or cones, and at that point it goes one car from one lane then one from the other, and so on. you want to merge 2 miles before the divider, be my guest, i'll be the guy 20 minutes ahead of you.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by johnnybegood on July 26, 2012 at 4:51 pm
Spot on Freckles. Sorry Merriweather, but if you stop making forward progress miles before necessary you're not doing yourself or anyone else a favor. Of course you're right about people going the speed limit in the fast line however. Also, LOL @ fabregas.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by Freckles McGee on July 26, 2012 at 4:56 pm
yeah people going 60 or even 70 in the passing lane are the worst. as a rule if you see no cars close in front of you and one or more cars directly behind you, you're going to fucking slow. in second for me is people who fly on to rotaries, cutting people off, and then proceed to stay in the outside lane around the entire rotary.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by Numero Two on July 26, 2012 at 4:59 pm
Rotaries, in general, are hilarious to watch people navigate until that 80 year old smashes into you.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by groupthought on July 26, 2012 at 5:11 pm
Agree with Freckles here. Cars need to be utilizing 100% of the road at all times in cases of high traffic volume. If you're stopping a mile before the lanes merge, you're only creating problems. And for the love of God, FUCK those people who slow down to 10MPH in a work zone or accident site to rubberneck. The only reason traffic jams happen is because some dickhead in the front of the line slowed down and created a chain reaction of people getting fucked over for miles behind him. Keep it fucking moving and we won't have any problems.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by Numero Two on July 26, 2012 at 5:14 pm
I feel like we are all saying the same thing. Scientists; Flying cars/hovercrafts, get on it.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by organix85 on July 26, 2012 at 5:17 pm
I'm just going to echo the sentiment that people who drive anything but fast in the fast lane are fucking assholes. Probably nothing in the world pisses me off more.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by pinche guapo guey on July 26, 2012 at 5:21 pm
B
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by stamkos on July 26, 2012 at 5:27 pm
Drove on a 2-lane highway last year and was stuck behind two cars using each lane both going 50 in a 55...now that is infuriating.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by otwisted on July 26, 2012 at 5:41 pm
True story Strasshole, a pizza delivery guy crashed into my girl as he was trying to time the light change and jumped the gun at an intersection. Fuckin pizza humpers are worse than gooks at driving.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by alp918 on July 26, 2012 at 5:47 pm
the only thing i agree with freckles on is when there's a lane or two for an exit with traffic backed up and fuckers stay all the way in the left (as though they were not exiting) and then try to sneak in at the front of the line...I will never let them in
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by alp918 on July 26, 2012 at 5:48 pm
i meant disagree with freckles woops lol
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by alphapsi on July 26, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Fuck you strasser. Neil quality blog. Send the topic to KFC and let him write it up delete this bullshit.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by pedroiahasaids on July 26, 2012 at 6:23 pm
glen line was funny good work strasser you sneaky jew bastard
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by boo radley on July 26, 2012 at 6:33 pm
The left turn shit could not be more true. Good stuff
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by balls562 on July 26, 2012 at 6:52 pm
I MERGE AT THE LAST SECOND. I DONT GIVE A FUCK. MY BUMPERS ARE SPRAY PAINTED. WORKS EVERY TIME.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by 2chainz on July 26, 2012 at 7:45 pm
yellow light one measures intelligence in Jersey. After 2 camera tickets I always stop at a yellow and don't give a fuck
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by Pat Bateman on July 26, 2012 at 8:42 pm
Seriously what the fuck is this?
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by Mark Brochez on July 26, 2012 at 9:00 pm
B+ blog. enjoyed it
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by GardenStateofMind on July 26, 2012 at 9:02 pm
This felt like half a blog. No lead in, minimal payoff. Maybe it's just me, I don't know.Also, freckles is right, people should be using both lanes up to a merge point. Doing otherwise means everyone sits in traffic longer. I feel like we need a PSA for that shit because it's an epidemic.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by notharrypotter on July 26, 2012 at 9:41 pm
@2chainz as of a month or so ago all red light cameras have been suspended so it can be verified municipalities didn't change timing on yellows to make the lights change faster. also, fuck red light tickets. no cop writing me a ticket = no court appearance = go fuck yourself. totally agree with freckles, it's fine if you wanna sit in line and wait but I choose to use up every inch of blacktop i see so when you're trying to give that guy the finger remember that he doesn't give a fuck what you think.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by treyisajedi on July 26, 2012 at 9:46 pm
The Glen line made me laugh out loud.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by 2chainz on July 26, 2012 at 10:25 pm
@ notharrypotter shit was deemed legit the other day
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by turd_ferguson on July 27, 2012 at 8:53 am
stamkos, it was a year ago? probably should let it go...
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by yo adrian on July 27, 2012 at 9:02 am
a) people from PA, stay out of NJ. enough with your slow driving in the left lane shit. go home. b) i'm not saying that people who drive with their headlights off when its pouring rain deserve to crash, but...
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by Hipneck on July 27, 2012 at 10:34 am
Large roni & mushroom please.
- Up: 0
- Down: 0
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
by rr09 on July 28, 2012 at 10:51 am
this was funny. i thought kfc wrote it
- Up: 0
- Down: 0