KINGWOOD, Texas – A 19-year-old male suffered severe injuries to his hand, lower extremities and face after a bomb he made detonated while he was carrying it in northeast Harris County, according to police. The Houston Police Department said that at about 7:40 p.m. on Saturday the teen and another 18-year-old male had gone down to a bayou near the 3100 block of Valley Rim Drive. The teens had materials to create what is being called a “combustible mixture” with the intention of going to go “blow up turtles.” Police said that at some point, the 19-year-old lit a cigar, and the ashes from his cigar fell near his pocket where he was carrying the explosive cartridges. Police said it is likely that the ashes ignited the cartridges. The 18-year-old was not injured in the explosion, police said. There have been no arrests or charges in connection with the incident.
Burning ants with a magnifying glass? Sure. Pouring salt on slugs in the summer? No big deal. Hitting lightning bugs with wiffle ball bats? Absolutely. Blowing up turtles with homemade bombs? Now you’re crossing a line into the bizarre world of Texas. I mean I can’t even understand the appeal of exploding turtles. Its not even a challenge. Like you know the phrase “shooting fish in a barrel?” Well it should be “like blowing up turtles with bombs.” Those slow motherfuckers don’t stand a chance. I mean I guess I’m some city slicker who doesn’t understand the world of hunting and all that kinda shit. But I think blowing up a tortoise with a homemade bomb is right up there with putting cats in microwaves. If you do that shit you deserve to have your dick blown off.
Now cue the obvious motherfucking music: