Now I know most of you are gonna be like “Romney what an idiot! If I was a virgin I’d kill myself!” Guess what idiots? He’s right. Because dudes who postpone sex may be dry dicked, celibate losers – but they sure as fuck aren’t stressed out or suicidal. Remember life before you were having sex? Shit was easy as pie. The most stressful times in my life pre-sex was if my fat friend asked to ride on my bike pegs and trying to find a way to buy some Mikes Hard Lemonade. Other than that my entire life consisted of trying to do bunny hops, playing video games, and playing basketball in the backyard. Life was pure. Ignorance was bliss.
Then one day you have sex and everything gets complicated as fuck. First thing’s first every single month you sweat your dick and balls off waiting for your girl to get her period. Chances are you’ve now got a girlfriend which is obviously the bane of every man’s existence. She holds the power of the pussy over your head and from that day until the day you die you’re a slave to the slit. If you don’t have a girlfriend, you now have to endure a dry spell after tasting the Forbidden Fruit. Get ready for about a decade of worrying about being in a slump. Worrying about how hot a chick needs to be before you fuck her. Will your friends make fun of you. A decade of worrying about your sexual performance. Are you big enough? Did you last long enough? Did she fake it? “That never happens to me I promise.” All that shit. Its fucking nerve wracking.
I miss being 14 years old and having the best sex life of all time – just me and a Penthouse magazine in the attic.