Barstool Sports

300 votes and a resounding “yes” on yesterday’s ‘should we bring Marketing Madness back’ blog and the tournament has clawed its way out of the grave. After posting what was essentially my suicide note, it became abundantly clear that the world needs Marketing Madness. So it’s back! But, unfortunately, Barstool employs a voting system that works about as well as “close your eyes and raise your hand,” so we can’t rely on it. So here’s what’s gonna happen: I’m gonna simulate the would-be tournament based on the hate I’ve seen on Twitter and on Barstool’s comment sections until I arrive at a championship matchup. That will be left in the hands of you, the people. As a reminder, here’s the initial bracket:

Bob’s won the only round so far, so he and his children/estranged wife can progress to the semis, where he will meet the winner of Kars4Kids/JG Wentworth. I’ll tell you right now, Kars4Kids is sweeping through the first 2 rounds and making it to the finals. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. So that portion of the bracket is decided. Let’s move down to the Strasser division (my tournament, my nomenclature).

Strasser Division Quarterfinals:

Matchup 1: Another time, another place and Geico vs. 5 Hour Energy is a 30 for 30 bound championship matchup. The way the tournament committee seeded this, however, has pitted them against each other in the first round. For how awful the 5 hour energy commercials are, with the dumb bitch on the treadmill, the nonsensical cowboy pushing the energy drink, and the mopey goons complaining about that 2:30 feeling, I’m gonna give the edge to Geico. There may not be 1 Geico commercial that stands out as worse than the liquid speed, but cumulatively, the 7 different sponsors brought it to a tie, and the screaming pig puts them over the top. Thanks Mrs. A!

Matchup 2: Sarah Mclachlan’s dog commercial makes me feel like shit about myself on a consistent basis. Absolutely kills the good vibes from Price is Right when they sneak it in between the Hoverround and Life Alert. But as much as the 3 legged dogs and 1 eyed cats kill my morning wood, it’s for a good cause and I can’t hate on that. The General, on the other hand, is an abomination to all things animated and penguin related. I’m gonna say The General marches on past this round, and dominates Geico in the Final Four. And alas, we arrive at the championship matchup:

Kars4Kids

Has one song every been responsible for more balls shriveling up and climbing into the stomach than Kars4Kids? And the shit is on every fucking radio station- you can’t escape it. I’d gladly approve a 200% increase in poverty stricken kids across the country if it meant never hearing this song again.

Vs.

The General

No idea what’s going on in these commercials, but I am absolutely positive the real life General that this character is based on beats his kids.

Time to vote! The jingle that makes you seriously consider swerving into oncoming traffic vs. Convoluted penguin army thing. 1 for Kars4Kids; 10 for The General. Personally, I’d be shocked if the average isn’t a firm 1.00, but that’s why they play the game.

(296 votes, average: 3.52 out of 10)

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