Barstool Sports

DM – The founder of outlawed file-sharing website Megaupload launched his new online hub with a lavish ceremony at his £15.8m mansion, including a re-enactment of the police raid on his home, yesterday. Kim Dotcom spoke from a giant stage at Dotcom Mansion in Coatsville Auckland, as he unveiled new site Mega, which the millionaire said comply with the law, rendering it safe from being taken down. Dotcom then compared last year’s raid to the iceberg which caused the Titanic disaster, saying without it ‘we wouldn’t have a great Titanic movie which makes me cry every time I see it.’ ‘Mega is going to be huge, and nothing will stop Mega!,’ Dotcom shouted seconds before a helicopter roared overhead and faux police agents rappelled down the side of his mansion and female military guards in mini-skirts surrounded him on stage. The controversial millionaire then ordered to ‘stop this madness’ before breaking out into a dance alongside the ‘guards’.

Now this is how you launch a website! Hot bitches, helicopters, reenactments of your arrest, dancing…huge middle finger to the FBI. Telling them to suck his dick and suck it long and hard. Just launching another website right in their grillmix and dancing the Macarena to celebrate. Gotta love it, gotta respect it. Viva la piracy!

On another note, I think what I aspire to have most in life is a gang of hot, militant female guards that follow me around and fuck me on command. A bunch of trained, ass-kicking sluts who can snap necks and suck dick. Defend me against the crazies of the world and take loads to the face whenever I’m in the mood. See ladies, guys aren’t complicated. I don’t want much. Just a gaggle of whores in army skirts with AK-47′s who worship me and pledge allegiance to my cock. That’s all. I mean if Kim Dotcom can have them then why can’t I? All he did was launch a gigantic file sharing website, make millions of dollars and get raided by the FBI. I blog for Barstool Sports, am pretty good at black jack and got arrested a few times in high school. Same thing. So girls, you can start submitting your applications right away. Preferable that you know karate, not required. Swallowing is a must.