Barstool Sports

LONDON (Reuters) - With investment banks facing an uncertain future, one Nomura shareholder has come up with a novel suggestion to help to boost its share price: replace all office toilets with Japanese-style squat facilities. “All toilets within the company’s offices shall be Japanese-style toilets, thereby toughening the legs and loins and hunkering down on a daily basis, aiming at achieving four-digit stock prices,” the shareholder said on the bank’s website ahead of this month’s annual meeting on June 27. “The company can surely avoid failure if they straddle over a Japanese-style toilet every day and strengthen their lower body. If it cannot, it can only be accepted as a bad luck.” Under Japanese law, shareholders who have held at least 30,000 shares for six months or more can make their own proposals at annual meetings. “When considering the proposals for the shareholders meeting, we take relevant action in accordance with the law,” a Nomura spokeswoman said. The bank’s share price dropped below 1,000 yen ($12.75) late in 2008 and has not reached the four-digit mark since then. Other suggestions include abolishing the practice of giving three banzai cheers at the annual meeting because too many shareholders having strong armpit odor.

Well no wonder the world is in a fuckin economic crisis. Here we are, a bunch of spoiled greedy idiots, sitting comfortably on normal pedestal toilets to take a shit. Just plopping down on the toilet like we’re kings and queens atop a throne. Pooping and peeing and playing Words With Friends and Draw Something and tweeting for days on end. If you’re looking for a surefire way to have weak loins and legs and cultivate a culture of economic failure – thats it.

You think Nomura’s stock dropped below 1000 Yen because of low interest rates and exposure to Greek debt? Nope. Its because every time they do a banzai cheer they are knocking each other out with their sweaty stanky armpits. Its because they are lazy shitters sitting on cushy comfy toilets. You make your employees shit in a hole in the ground and you teach them discipline. You teach them focus. Strength. Control. Its not like learning how to hover-shit is literally going to translate into financial prosperity. But its like Mr. Miyagi making Daniel Son wax on wax off. Like making him paint the fence. Making him sand the floor. They were all valuable lessons that eventually translated into success for Daniel Son. Just like the folks at Yomura. Sure in the beginning you probably shit and piss all over your heels. Probably fall over into your own excrement in the beginning. But after squat shitting for a while you learn about the grit and determination it takes to get your stock price back into the four digit Yen range.

BANZAI! BANZAI! BANZAI!