Welp, this is it folks. This is about the time I wanna check out of this world. Let me tell you the story of how I gave up hope on the human race…
Monday we got an email from Meagan, the chick who went viral the past week for her sexy ass mugshot.
Hi I am Meagan Simmons formerly McCullough, and I would personally like to everyone know I am not a criminal! I was in jail for 8hrs, I am almost positive Im not the first female to look decent in a mugshot. any questions you can contact me at xxx-xxx-xxxx Thanks
So obviously my first thought is to have her on KFC Radio. She has absolutely zero story to tell other than the time she got a DUI and people thought she was hot. But shes a chick who makes questionable decisions and she went viral so of course I’ll have her on the show. So I send her a pseudo-professional email trying to make us sound like a legitimate show.
I saw this email you sent below yesterday regarding the meme thats been circulating. I was wondering if you’d like to do an interview about everything that happened? We do a web-based video/radio show once a week where you could chat with us via webcam about all this absurdity. Would you like to come on the show next Wednesday 4/17? We usually record at 8pm.
Let me know if you’re interested
Now as soon as I sent that, I was like “Jesus christ Kevin you fucking pussy.” This is just some random broad who got caught drunk driving and I’m sending off an email like a bitch. I shoulda been like “yo bitch! Come talk about breaking the law and your fuck-me-eyes!” I’m already feeling like an idiot when I get this email from some dude at CNL Talent:
We represent Megan And she has asked us to contact you about the offer for the interview.
She would be very interested and I would need to know exactly what she would need on her end to make this happen. Also can you tell me a little bit about the line of questions you will ask her? Thanks
A motherfucking talent agency. I almost puked on my computer. What on earth is this chick’s talent? Taking sexy photos while shitfaced? I mean don’t get me wrong – hall of fame mugshot. Taking high quality drunk pictures is a great gift. Do you need a fucking agent to manage that?? For sure not. So at this point I’m already disappointed in the human race. But I still wanna have this broad on the show since she’s hot in the streets. So I send him another email, again trying to be professional:
We just wanna give her an opportunity to clear the air and talk about how viral she went. Put a light, fun spin on it and talk about the other famous mug shots. Nothing too formal, just chat for about 10-20 minutes about how crazy the past couple weeks has been.
I understand light and fun but will it stay respectful as well ? We would not be interested if it takes a “Howard Stern” direction
Not interested if it takes the Howard Stern direction??? Motherfucker your “client” is just a chick who caught a DUI and got popular on the internet because people want to fuck her. If I asked her to come in and ride the Sybian while I wear a beekeeper mask you should be jumping at the fucking chance. Of course we’re gonna go the Howard Stern route. Of course we’re gonna ask her about how it says she likes men and women on her facebook profile. Of course I’m gonna ask her about all the other sexy mugshots from DUI smokes. Ask her to Marry Fuck Kill Lohan, Bynes and Paris Hilton. Talk about how much she boozes. All the shit that you’d ask a drunk sexy chick that goes both ways. Nobody wants to talk to this broad about her actual life. Nobody cares about what she does or where she lives or what her interests are. People were interested in her because she got shitfaced and looked like an absolute smokebomb in her picture. If you’re holding out for Barbara Walters or Katie Couric to interview her, you’ve got another thing coming. This chick should be jumping at the chance to talk to fucking Feitelberg and a grown man who dresses in gold one pieces. Chat with Barstool and wait for Vivid Pictures to offer you like $50,000 to do porn. Thats the best life path you could take.
So truth be told, this is the story of the time I got big timed by a no name drunk broad and her agent. I actually strung them along for a couple more exchanges and had it all set up when he emailed me one last time that Meagan wasn’t available tonight. I no longer in good conscience could keep catering to this broad and her “agent.” Put the kibosh on the whole thing and to be honest I’m thinking about just putting the kibosh on my life. I don’t know if I wanna live in a world where driving drunk makes you worthy of hiring a talent agency and needing handlers to book interviews. I’ll talk to Jay Cutler’s people. I even talked to Kacie McDonnell’s people. But I can’t keep talking to Meagan the hot drunk DUI chick’s people and still look at myself in the mirror in the morning.