Barstool Sports

NY Daily News – A Pennsylvania man accused of drugging a rival dog at a kennel club show to give his girlfriend’s prized pooch an edge says he will fight the charges in court. Authorities say Ralph Ullum, 68, fed a Siberian Husky named Pixie two human drugs during an American Kennel Club show in suburban Chicago last December to sabotage her chances of winning. His lawyer called the charges bogus, saying the roofie accusations came only after the mutt belonging to Ullum’s gal beat Pixie to win best in show, the Chicago Sun-Times reported. Attorney Edward Maloney said late last week that Ullum will see his accusers in court on Sept. 8. “Mr. Ullum denies he gave any pills to the dog,” Maloney told the Sun-times. He chalked the charges up to the cutthroat atmosphere of purebred dog shows. “It’s a very highly competitive world. Emotions were flying high that day,” Maloney said. Ullum is charged with misdemeanor animal cruelty and attempted criminal damage to property. Prosecutors say Ullum slipped the dog Benadryl, which treats allergies, and Protonix, a heartburn medication. One of the husky’s trainers spotted Ullum petting the dog backstage shortly before some drug residue was found near the animal, authorities said. The dog also vomited a half-digested pill of Protonix, authorities say. Ullum faces up to a year in jail and a $2,500 fine.

I’ll tell you what – Ralph Ullum is going to get so much pussy for this stunt you can’t even wrap your mind around it. Contingent upon him not going to jail for a year for being a dog date rapist, of course. Because crazy competitive chicks the Ralph Ullum’s dog loving girlfriend will do just about anything to win. Like remember when Tanya Harding sent that goon to break Nancy Kerrigan’s leg? She probably fucked that dude’s dick right off his body after he did that for her. And that didn’t even work. She didn’t even win.

So this is like that but a 100 times more intense because A) Ralph’s girlfriend actually won the dog show and B) People who do dog shows are fucking insane. So all in all, it sounds like Ralph Ullum may be staring down the barrel of a year in jail and a $2,500 fine, but he’s got a first place dog in the American Kennel Club and a kinky animal freak girlfriend who owes him about a thousand blow jobs for roofieing the Pixie the Siberian Husky. Call me crazy but I’d say thats like a 50/50 coin flip.