Barstool Sports

Jupiter, FL - Kenneth Timmer, a 41-year-old Florida man was jailed Saturday after he allegedly urinated on a woman during an argument. According to the Martin County Sheriff’s Office, deputies were called to a motor home residence after an argument broke out between Timmer and a 27-year-old woman. Upon arrival, deputies spoke with the woman who was wearing a white tank-top covered with a “smelly wet liquid” according to the arrest report. The woman told investigators that she and Timmer started arguing when he came into the bathroom before she was finished using it. Timmer then began to urinate into the toilet, but then turned and sprayed the woman who rushed out of the bathroom to call police. Timmer, who appeared intoxicated, pushed the woman against a wall as they both wrestled for the phone. Investigators say Timmer’s shorts were wet with urine, as was the bathroom floor. Timmers did not live at the residence, but was visiting the victim’s roommate at the time.

Bathroom time is a very delicate subject matter. For anyone, not just drunken trailer trash. For guys I’d say an acceptable trip to the bathroom lasts 60 seconds. That gives enough time to take an average length piss, turn on the faucet, pretend to wash your hands, and leave. Anything in the 60 seconds to 2 minute range is one of two possibilities – a very long drunken piss, or a quick shitter who is trying desperately to shit fast enough so that the next person in line for the bathroom thinks it may have just been a long piss. Anything over 2 minutes is definitely someone shitting. Anything into the 10 minute range and they’re either dead or engrossed in a serious game of Words With Friends.

Chicks are a whole different ball game. And its somewhat justified. Bitches practically have to get completely naked to piss. Not too mention if its a public bathroom they either spend like 4 minutes building a biologically safe nest before they sit, or they have to hover-piss which just seems like its more time consuming. Like your gotta focus mentally and physically while trying to do that. Then once you’re done its hair and makeup in the mirror. Then you gotta repeat the whole fucking process because chances are they’re in there with another girl and now its her turn. You’re upwards of 10 minutes every trip. Anything after 10 minutes and I’m just assuming you’re hooking up.

I guess the bottom line here though, and the lesson to be learned is this – Ladies, we understand you’re gonna be in the bathroom like 30% longer than us, but if you linger too much longer than that, we’re gonna piss on you. Even if we don’t live there and the bathroom is in your trailer home, there’s a certain amount of time that just can’t be tolerated and you’re getting the fire hose. Something like that.