For the most part, Cubicle Monkeys stick together. I’d say the majority of office slaves out there are on the same page – they all acknowledge how shitty their lives are and they know they need to stand together if they’re gonna survive. But there’s always a few people in the office, a few scabs, that betray the Monkeys and forget where they came from. These are the guys that are constantly throwing around backhanded, passive aggressive one liners that make you want to curb stomp them. There’s a lot of one liners out there in the corporate world which people always throw around. Like “somebody’s got a case of the Mondays!” Thats not real life. Thats Hollywood. The only time people say that is when they are making fun of office one liners that make you wanna commit a MurderDeathKill. These are the real life jabs that make you want to die in a fire:
1. You arrive at 8:30am and someone says “Thanks for coming in!” – If any person who is not your superior says this, you should be able to take that aerosol can keyboard spray cleaner and unload a whole can of poison into their throat. You’re already obviously miserable, tired and most likely hungover. You’ve spent about an hour putting on your monkey suit and cramming into the subway with homeless people and inconsiderate Asians. And the first thing you hear when you walk through the door is someone trying to one-up you out loud because they were here at 8 and you were there at 8:30. Drop dead.
2. You leave at 4:45 and someone says “Taking half a day?” – Doesn’t matter if its 4:45 instead of 5 or 5:15 instead of 5:30 or 5:45 instead of 6, whatever your hours are, if you leave half a second early theres some asshole who will call you out. Hey pal how about I didn’t take a lunch break today because I wanted to bang out as much work as fast as I could because I wanna get the fuck out of here and go try and nail some broads at the beach? How about I don’t spend half the day chit chatting with the ladies in the office because I hate everyone that works here with the fire of a nuclear holocaust? Sorry I have a life outside of here and don’t enjoy sitting at my desk on facebook till 6pm on a Friday night. “Taking a half day?” Monday morning I’m taking a half day and I’m gonna go burn down your home.
3. When you are dressed business casual instead of wearing a tie and someone says “Thanks for dressing up today!” – Hey motherfucker you wanna talk about dressing and looking appropriate at work? Lets talk about Carl who’s 850 pounds with fat rolls bursting out of his white dress shirt which may or may not be a table cloth with buttons on it. He’s got the permanent wedgie in his khakis and his gut-fat literally hangs lower than his dick and balls. But he’s got some tie from Kohls tied around his neck like the string that holds together meat in the oven so he looks “professional?” How about the Indian girl who wears the same thing 4 days a week and smells like the inside of a dumpster full of curry. Wafting around the office in a Tsunami of Tstink to the point that people are gagging in her presence. She’s ok? And the new kid who wears white socks and a backpack everywhere he goes? The one who changes into sneakers when he goes anywhere? He’s fine. But me – the dude who looks more socially acceptable and professional than 90% of the dead slugs in this office – yea I’m the one who looks unprofessional.
4. When you’re going on vacation and someone says “Must be nice!” or anything to that effect – This one liner isn’t a single, universal one liner. Its any variation of words that calls you out for taking vacation. It could be a week off that you planned and cleared 6 months in advance. It could just be a Friday or a Monday for a long weekend. But there’s only one guy who wants to announce to the whole floor you’re not gonna be in and make it sound like you invented taking vacation.
5. When you’re doing one of your particularly shitty tasks and someone says “Thats why they pay you the big bucks!” – LOL! You see, its funny because they DON’T pay me the big bucks? Get it?!? Fuck you pal! Lets just take jabs at the fact that A) Whatever I’m currently doing is completely meaningless, trivial and painstaking, while simultaneously making fun of the fact that B) I don’t make a lot of money! Hilarious dude. I’m gonna take some of my “big bucks” and hire a hit man to fucking murder you in the parking lot.
There’s a million more – sound off
PS – I see every week theres a couple commenters who make fun of the Cubicle Chronicles blogs saying that it just sounds like a bunch of whiners and complainers. Note to you guys – you’re the person everyone in the office hates. You probably make these comments. You probably think you’re important. You’re not.
Email KFC@Barstoolsports.com with some solid Cubicle Chronicles topics. Haven’t gotten a good one in a while, step it up. How about we reverse it and talk about little things that you do in the Cube Monkey world that bring you a false sense of joy since your life is so pathetic? GO.