Craigslist – So, I just need to tell the world because I am so happy that I have finally accomplished something that has been 3 months in the making.
I farted on every single one of my 37 employees.
The initial fart began on January 21st, 2008 while I was expediting at my somewhat famous restaurant in the meatpacking district.
Lets just say, I am a chef, I dont know if I would call myself world famous, but I am definitely known in and around NYC.
I have had several specials on foodnetwork.
You probably know me if you like food and eating in manhattan.
That said, lets get back to the first fart, the maiden fart, the perfect fart.
It was hot as hell in the kitchen that night, sometimes I like to turn off the air conditioning to give my staff a bit of a stir, it makes their blood flow, their tempers flash, but for some reason, their discomfort turns out better quality food.
So with all the air off, there is no air flow in our downstairs kitchen, and its small and cramped and really really fucking hot, even in january.
We have our plates in the warmer under our pass, so i was helping my hot apps guy plate a new fungi misti when it happened.
He had the pan in his right hand, and we both reached to bend over to get the hot plate, i got there first, so he inhaled the entire hot air load that i let roar out of my pants.
It was bold, loud, and completely unapologetic.
I was louder though, laughing so fucking hard at his coughing and gagging that i almost lost the granddaddy, the origin of the fart, the poop.
This actually did happen on fart employee #19, but we will get back to that.
So with this began my mission.
I had to fart on everyone that works for me, and write it all in a log book so that I can keep track.
Some people I couldn’t just directly fart on, like my accountant, shes a sweet girl, and I think she might feel that I have accosted her or something, department of labor could be called, etc.., so much care has to be taken with these types of cases.
1. The only rules I had were this: I had to fart on everyone, I mean including my bread guy, my pasta guy, all our dishwashers, my sous chef, etc…
2. They had to either hear, smell or be somehow aware that I have farted on them. This is where it gets tricky.
3. I have to do it in order of name, alphabetically, and I cant skip people and come back.
4. At least 80% had to make a comment or some type of revolting behavior afterward, and if they didnt, I had to do them again and again, the same person, until they finally surrendered to the demon that is my fart.
This was easy with the line cooks and basic kitchen staff, as they are used to this kind of shit, the front of the house however, are like a bunch of fucking statues scared to move.
My farts on them where secretly my most favorite, because I think it took them out of whatever musical they thought they were living in, and made them alive, made them smell, made them want to throw up for a valid reason.
I think all farts should have a color assigned to them, because you know when that one fart comes out and lingers in the air and wont leave, I mean its obvious that is a green fart. Everyone should know this by now, its even documented in cartoons.
A red fart is a spicy one, probably incurred by some type of spicy ethnic food with a great amount of chilis and onions.
A yellow fart, well these are worse on the farter, than they are on the fartee.
These are sick farts, the ones that are on the verge of being sharts. Just imagine the fart that comes after downing like gallon of vodka, eating like 5 gyros on st. marks, then bagging a hooker named natasha, who acts like she is from russia, but you know just know she fucking grew up in Hackensack.
This is never good, especially in the kitchen, so if I think I have a yellow in tow, I clamp my hole shut and run to the nearest bathroom to unleash the fury.
Unless, of course I am at home, then what the hell, I let it rip and see what happens. New underwear are only like 5 feet away, so lets see what happens, life is a journey.
I think I will post the story of every single persons very own and original fart on here every night for 37 nights. Some are really good ones, some are just farts, but I will let you be the judge.
And maybe by the end some of you will know who i am, and if you ever do figure it out, come to my restaurant and tell the bartender this: “Mr. Bojangles and his two sidewinders sent me”, he will give you a free drink, and a laugh.
You never know with these’ Craigslist Ads. Obviously theres no way to tell if these are real or fake but here’s the beauty – either way its blogworthy. Either there’s actually a NYC chef in the West Village who spent the past 5 years systematically farting on all 37 of his employees in alphabetical order, or there’s someone out there willing to take the time to make a fake Craigslist Ad pretending to be a chef who farted on all 37 of his employees in alphabetical order. I’m actually not even sure which is a better story.
But the reason I’m blogging this is not to argue over the validity. I’m here to open the Stoolies idea to this absolutely wonderful game. Every Cubicle Monkey should embark on this journey. Make it your personal goal to fart on each and every person you work with. The main rules to follow are 1) Gotta fart on everyone 2) Gotta fart on them in alphabetical order and 3) they must be aware they were farted on. Now I’m not saying you gotta walk up and say “Pull my finger!” and rip off a trombone burst on their face. I don’t care whether its loud enough that they hear or a silent but deadly and they smell it. I don’t care whether they’re dry heaving or whether they just make some sort of face at you. My standard is that you and your victim both walk away from the scene of the fart thinking “Holy shit that guy just fucking farted on me!” and “Yup, that guy knows I just farted on him.” It can be unspoken, but both parties have to know that someone just got a mouth full of fart.
So go forth, my Stoolies. Start today, January 3rd, 2013. Make it your New Years Resolution to fart on everyone you work with. In the Cube World, where you’re absolutely just an employee ID number – a face in the crowd, a pawn to be used, a monkey in the cage – this is the one thing you control. Remember that. Remember you always control your own asshole. And who it can be used against. Godspeed.