KFC editors note: Finding good comments is like finding a needle in the haystack. Picking out bad comments is just like one giant haystack of horse shit. But EC wanted to do it so I let him go nuts
Hi assholes. EC again. Last week I got to do the COTW for NY, and judging from the comments, everyone LOVED it. I got to hear about how terrible my shirt designs are, how unfunny I am, and I’m pretty sure Rick Moranis dropped by as well. This week, I’ve been handed a much easier task. The Worst Comments of the Week, Barstool-wide. Much more appropriate for a grumpy piece of shit like me.
Rather than sitting at my desk, shaking my head at how pathetic most of you are, now I get to put the spotlight on you and your dogshit comments. Should there be a prize for Worst COTW? Maybe one of my shitty shirts?:
I honestly doubt the people receiving them would be worth the $0.23/hr some little Haitian kid got paid to make the fabric, so I’m just gonna go ahead and put the kibosh on that idea. Anyway, here are your Worst Comments of the Week:
Not gonna lie, I didn’t read a single word of this comment. If you leave a comment this long and expect people to read it, you’re fucking delusional. Thumbs down city. I’ll read this comment right after I’m done with the “How to play Cricket” wikipedia page.
Hey lakersnation, are you new or something? If someone gets knocked out on film, it’s gonna be on the Stool. A true Stoolie finds every knockout video “blogworthy”. 1000% chance your girlfriend isn’t fuckworthy, so pipe down.
I hear you bro. I can’t believe Pres would waste our time by posting about something as irrelevant as the Sox winning the World Series at Fenway. “Clean it up” Pres. “Take a lap”.
Eat shit kennywu. There’s no place for racism on the Stool, unless it’s funny racism. I don’t care about the Eagles at all, but EDP is funny as fuck. Not in the sense that he’s humorous, but to watch someone get that worked up about a terrible football team is priceless.
If you comment on the Stool with some kind of grammar correction, you’re a fucking houseplant. It doesn’t make you look intelligent, it makes you look like a piss pants. Adding in the overplayed, unoriginal dig at Pres’ wife makes me hate you even more.
Last week, someone said all the funny Zollo comments were on the Barstool U page. If by funny, you mean repetitive, annoying, and the complete opposite of funny, then yes, they’re funny. The only thing worse than a Zollo-hating comment is a poorly executed Zollo-hating comment. Time for this schtick to die.
Hey whydoibother, here’s an idea. How about you go drown yourself? Bashing a new blogger, regardless of the content of the blog, wasn’t funny when Neil was here, and it’s not funny now. If you think a blogger sucks, don’t read his blogs dipshit. Or does Pres “own so much real estate in your brain” that you force yourself to read every inch of the Stool? No one cares about your opinion.
OK tough guy. Have you ever even had wine? It’s fucking delicious, you dummy. I think Dr. Steve Brule said it best…
What the fuck?? My comment isn’t showing up? How are all the commenters supposed to see how funny I am?? Better try it again… Shit, still nothing. I have one of the funniest usernames ever! That alone will get the commenters LOL’ing! Alright, last try. What the fuck?! Whatever. I’ll just go back to searching for fake child porn, but not real child porn, because that could get me arrested.
And by the way, over 300 of my shitty Duckboat shirts sold within 12 hours of being posted. For all you clowns that say “no one buys Barstool shirts”, 300+ screaming Stoolies can’t be wrong.
#1. Happy Halloween
Ok, so the worst comment of the week came in response to another comment. Here’s the first one:
Comparing the “riots” in Boston to the Marathon Bombings in any way shape or form is apples to dildos. There’s a huge difference between a terrorist attack involving casualties and a bunch of drunk college kids causing property damage. Regardless, westcoastmess had something to say:
Rarely do I come across something on the internet that infuriates me to the point where I would actually break someones jaw (or at least try to) if they said it face to face. I highly doubt ANYONE from Watertown was complaining about their rights being “trampled” during an active manhunt to track down a terrorist. I dunno how you people do it on the west coast, but we band together here in Boston. And the cops thing? That was the “break someones jaw” comment. The only people who hate the police are 14 year old skateboarders and scumbags who break the law. Plain and simple. I live in a pretty small town, and if I ever heard someone talk that way about our local cops, I would light them on fire. Fuck you scumbag, let’s hope that’s your one and only comment.
There you have it assholes. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I hope your mothers cancel your WiFi so you can just sit in your basement/apartment and think about what you’ve done. Have a good weekend slobs. I’ve got Zimas to drink and a parade to attend.
P.S. Yes, that picture is me. Yes, your sister would give me a handjob and lie about it to her friends.