Barstool Sports

Johannesburg, South Africa (The Weekly Vice) – An unidentified 42-year-old South Africa man was jailed Sunday after the genitals of an 18-year-old nephew were found in his wallet. According to Eastern Cape province police, the disappearance of an 18-year-old Ngcobo man took a bizarre turn Sunday afternoon when detectives found the missing man’s genitals in a wallet belonging to his uncle. Investigators say detectives were interviewing the uncle about the disappearance when they discovered a dismembered penis in the man’s wallet.  Pressed for answers, the uncle eventually led detectives to his nephew’s dead body. The body was missing a head, arms and legs, however those body parts were found a short distance away from the torso, according to police spokesperson Mzukisi Fatyela. Local police released few details about the case, however, they did not rule out the possibility that the murder might be classified as a “muti” killing. Muti killings involve the removal of body parts from a human body which are then used by witchdoctors in various potions. Demand for such body parts has become an ongoing problem in South Africa, particularly in the region surrounding Johannesburg.

How do you even put a penis in your wallet? I don’t even get what that means. I don’t think I could fit one more business card in my wallet right now. Shit is packed to capacity. And this guy somehow had space for a dick and balls in there? Must be running around with a Costanza Wallet. Got back issues from sitting on an uneven bulge all day. But I guess its not just a wallet for this guy. Its an organizer, a memory, and an old friend. And also a place to keep his nephew’s nutsack.

You know whats gonna be the biggest bitch for this guy? Taking the dick and balls out of his wallet. You ever take a credit card or a business card or something out of your wallet once its stretched to the max and then its all loose because of the extra space? Your ID and credit cards and Metro Card sliding around all because you took out your college ID from 7 years ago? Well imagine that except you’ve removed an entire set of male genitals from your wallet. Not fun.