HERCULES (CBS 5) – An East Bay dad claims a game of tag on the playground resulted in his 6-year-old son being accused of sexual assault – a decision he said was an overreaction by school officials. The parent, who asked only to be identified as Oswin, said his son was accused of brushing his best friend’s leg or groin while the two were playing on the playground at Lupine Hills Elementary in Hercules two months ago. Oswin said his child was kept in the principal’s office for two hours until he confessed. He was suspended, and a sexual battery charge was placed on his permanent school record.
I don’t wanna brag here, but there’s a legitimate chance I’m the best tag player of all time. I played Tag from the first minute I learned how to run. There was about a 2 and a half year stretch where I never once was It. I’ve played every version of Tag you can think of. Regular Tag. Freeze Tag. Laser Tag. If Tag was a professional sport I would have been a lottery pick.
And never once in my illustrious Tag career did I accidentally tag another dude on the dick. Not once. Just doesn’t happen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not getting on my High Horse here. I tagged Tits and Ass all day long. Whoops I brushed up against your new A cups. My bad, I was trying to tag your back and I slapped your ass. Like if you didn’t get to Second Base playing Tag then you just ain’t trying. But thats exactly my point – I sexually assaulted chicks on the Tag playground on purpose. That shit doesn’t just accidentally happen.
So the moral of the story here is that this little 6 year old is definitely probably gay. Not some sort of rapist. Doesn’t deserve sexual assault on his record. But he’s gotta have the gay. Because in this life you don’t accidentally grab cock. Whether you’re playing tag or not. You touch another man’s dick, you’ve got the gay. Plain and simple. So expunge the assault charges off this kid’s record and just stamp his file with a big old warning “GAY.” Let the other kids in school know to protect their dicks next time they’re waiting to be tagged unfrozen during Freeze Tag.