SAN ANTONIO – A civilian at Joint Base San Antonio-Fort Sam Houston was arrested Wednesday for nearly pulling off her 6-year-old son’s genitals because she was angry with him, and then using superglue to try to repair them, court records said. The FBI charged Jennifer Marie Vargas, 34, with assault within maritime and territorial jurisdiction resulting in serious bodily injury. She faces up to 10 years in prison. A criminal complaint affidavit said the child’s father, who is enlisted in the Army, returned to his home from work Sept. 27 and found his son crying in an upstairs bedroom. The father saw bloody tissue in the boy’s underwear and a severe injury to his scrotum, and took him to the San Antonio Military Medical Center, the affidavit said. There, he was found to have a laceration to his scrotum that was 4 centimeters long and he had bruising to his penis area, the affidavit said. “Due to the child’s extreme physical pain, the medical staff had to administer medication,” the affidavit said. “The child was taken into surgery to repair the damage to his scrotum.” The child is recovering from the surgery and remains in his father’s custody.
First off, OUCH! Am I right? What an absolute bitch of a woman. You don’t pull off a dude’s balls. You just don’t. Especially if he’s your son. How’s he gonna give you grandkids now? That’s grounds for the electric chair in my book. Or maybe an eye for an eye punishment, like having her vagina ripped off. Little taste of her own medicine.
But I do have to give credit where credit is due. Superglue was an excellent idea to try and fix the problem. I happen to know from experience that superglue repairs genitals quite well. See one time I was shaving my pubes really quick before going out and I cut myself. Like badly. Just an absolutely terrible experience. I literally yelled “We got a bleeder!” to myself in the bathroom. But I had to go out, didn’t have any bandaids, so I found some super glue and lathered it on the cut. Boom, problem solved. Everything was fixed up, no more blood, and I went out and had a great night. Even did a little grinding if my memory serves me correctly.
So the moral of the story is that you should never tear another guy’s manhood under penalty of death, and you should do everything in your power to avoid tearing your own. But, if worst comes to worst, use superglue. They don’t call it “all purpose” for nothing.