Press-Citizen- An Iowa City man has been charged with indecent exposure after an alleged incident in Ryerson’s Woods Park. According to a criminal complaint, two witnesses reported seeing Gerald C. Meyer, of Ellis Avenue, lying naked and masturbating on a picnic table at 8:16 p.m. Sunday. When the witnesses confronted him, Meyer said he was “playing with himself,” police said. Police say they found Meyer, 43, in a van matching the witnesses’ description and the witnesses identified him in a six-photo lineup. Meyer is charged with indecent exposure, a serious misdemeanor. He was booked and released Sunday.
First of all, that guy looks like Christopher Walken, right? Like a lot? Yeah, he does. After I saw that mug shot and read the story all I could think about was him saying to the witnesses was “I’m playing with myself” in Walken’s voice and then going off into a long monologue about a gold watch he had hidden in his ass. That gave me a good laugh. Second, it’s pretty clear what he was trying to avoid here. Tan lines. Ever heard of them? Those things can be the goddamn devil, they look ridiculous and there’s no telling how long they’ll last. Just ask Big Cat. And there’s nothing more boring than laying out to get a tan. You literally just lay there and let the sun cook you like a piece of bacon. It’s boring as shit. I don’t know how girls do it all the time but they love it. So maybe this guy is looking for a way to break the boredom and, whoops, all of a sudden he’s nakedly jerking off while laying on a picnic table in the middle of a public park. Hey, it happens. When you break it down like that you could totally see it happening to anybody. All the pieces are there for a rational argument to be made that he’s simply hyper aware of his physical appearance and wanted to look as good as possible. Or he’s just a lunatic weirdo who likes to get off on picnic tables in the park. Either way.