News – IF YOU clicked on this article, chances are you know deep down that you’re guilty of a few bad bachelor habits. It’s time to sit yourself down and have an honest chat with bachelor-you, because he’s ruining the chances for well-adjusted-adult-you to really emerge and assume his final form, where he shaves, and has a job, and generally isn’t a layabout/vagabond who would eat cold pizza off the floor if given half a chance. This list may not be all-inclusive, but if you are guilty of any of these bad bachelor habits, it’s certainly time to make a change. It may not be easy, but your journey towards being a passable adult that a grown woman wouldn’t mind associating with starts here.
10. Keeping your dirty clothing in a pile – When you were in high school, you got a pass. When you were at uni, you got a pass. You’re an adult now though, so you no longer get a pass. It’s time to discover the wonderful invention that is the laundry hamper.
9. Playing video games all weekend – There’s nothing wrong with playing games as a recreation. That’s totally fine. What’s a little less fine, though, is treating every weekend like a shower-less, pants-less, all-you-can-Dorito marathon. It’s getting a bit old, and you’re getting a bit old for it.
8. Using Febreze instead of cleaning – Ah, Febreze – the duct tape for your nose. While your late teens and maybe even early 20s were a time when you could simply cover odours with more (better) odours, eventually you have to actually start cleaning things – your clothes, your sheets, your entire apartment.
7. Treating hygiene like it’s for special occasions – If you can look back on your day and say, “Hey, at least I took a shower”, it might be time to revisit your bachelordom.
6. Not preparing your own meals – We left this one sort of vague to include all manner of lazy food habits. This includes frozen meals, semi-prepared meals, and yes, take-away. Because there’s nothing that turns a girl on more than a room full of take-away containers, empty pizza boxes, and dirty dishes.
5. Poor sleep habits – This is another one of those things that you can get away with when you’re considerably younger, but once you start moving into adulthood your body will probably be the first to know that you’re doing something wrong. Sleep only becomes more critical to your mental and physical well being as you age, so it’s time to make a change
4. Bad toilet etiquette – Bachelors are often responsible for the serial mistreatment of their toilets. Leaving the seat up, peeing on the seat, and not cleaning your toilet regularly are all signs of perpetual bachelordom.
3. Wearing wrinkled clothing – if you’re interviewing for a job or trying to flirt with someone who cares about stuff like being seen with an adult, it could definitely tip the balance against you. Starting to genuinely care about how you present yourself is the first step to exiting the bachelor zone and potentially even attracting a woman.
2. Drinking from the container – Surely there is no truer sign of a bachelor than a man for whom glasses are too lofty a goal.
1. Bedroom wall posters – An extended bout of bachelor-hood tends to breed some rather bad qualities, and even worse decorating habits.
Ahhh bachelorhood. The most beautiful time in a man’s life. A period of time where you can literally do anything you want with zero repercussions other than hangovers, overdrawn accounts, and a burning sensation when you pee. To be honest, I don’t know why any of us ever give it up. Societal pressures, most likely. Perhaps the thought of some guaranteed pussy for a few years. And most of us just end up being afraid of our girlfriends. But this list of things you have to give up in order to settle down is dumb. The one about hygiene is true. But forget about settling down for good, if you’re trying to just get laid you gotta jump on board the hygiene train. The rest are dumb though. Drinking from the container you can still do all the time. Bad toilet etiquette is a joke. Like, let me get this straight babe – you want me to clean the same thing I’m about to shit into like 6 hours from now? For sure not. Not preparing your own meals? Me and the Roommate order take out every single night. Poor sleep habits? What the fuck does that have to do with anything?
Here’s a real list of bachelor behavior you better be ready to give up when you settle down – they are the 4 Pillars of Relationship Life:
4. Watching nothing but sports – Bachelor life for me consisted of ESPN or some sporting event on 23 and a half hours a day and Jeopardy. Didn’t matter if we were watching Monday Night Football or some shitty college basketball local teams, me and my buddies watched nothing but sports. Maybe the occasional movie but not really. Well that shit goes out the window when you end bachelor life. Now instead of watching some random Pistons/Hawks game just because, you’ll put on “our shows.” “Our shows” are television shows that your girlfriend likes and that you hate and somehow they get dubbed “ours.” If you’re lucky, she likes good TV and you don’t mind Netflix-ing some good series. If you’re unlucky, she likes The Voice. I swear to God, The Voice is on 4 times a week for 3 hours at a time.
3. Having friends that are girls – Guys only hang out with chicks they want to bang. Girls know this. So say goodbye to pretending you have a platonic friendship with any other girl
2. Doing nothing – You know what the sneaky best part of bachelorhood is? Its not banging out random chicks and partying all night long. Its random Saturday and Sunday afternoons where you do absolutely nothing. Putting in a solid 12 hour couch session where you order take out lunch and take out dinner. Watch nothing but sports or Netflix and you only break to go into your bedroom and JO. In the bachelor’s eyes thats not a day of “nothing.” Thats a day spent exactly how you want to spend it. Good fucking luck trying to do that with your girl. By 12:15pm, she’s “bored.” She wants to “do something.” Shut up you overachieving bitch! Doing shit is so overrated. Plus I ain’t your social planner. Go do something if you want to. I’ll hold it down here on the couch.
Just kidding, I’ll go do whatever you want because the only thing worse than doing errands and activities on a Saturday afternoon is ruining the rest of the weekend because you’re in a fight with me.
1. Winning Arguments – The quickest way to lose at life in a relationship is to try to win at arguments. Say goodbye to being right. Just say goodbye to it. You and Correct had a good run. 25, 26, maybe 27 years together. You will never be right again, nor will you want to be. Because if you’re right in the debate you’re wrong in the long run. You’ll be arguing logic, she’ll be arguing on emotion, and no matter how many times you prove your point and win the debate, you’ll realize the bickering will never, ever, ever stop. Not until you apologize, admit you’re wrong, and let her win.
Those are the 4 Pillars. And the key is to pick your battles. Watch some dumb ass TV show instead of a random regular season NBA game in the middle of the week because you know you’re gonna make her sit through 8 hours of NFL on Sunday. Try to get her to like some of your TV shows so that “our shows” aren’t unbearable. Admit that you were probably trying to bang those girls you used to hang out with and give it up. And just embrace being wrong forever.
Happy wife, happy life.
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