The Barstool Bible
The Barstool Bible. A holy combination of a dictionary and encyclopedia with a history lesson sprinkled in. These are the re-occuring phrases and blog styles that define the legacy that is Barstool Sports. Hey Smitty, good job good effort, but the glossary you came up with is just the tip of the iceberg.
Astro Van – Pres’ delivery vehicle in the golden days of the Barstool newspaper. Repeatedly stolen, repeatedly rescued. RIP.
Backpack Gang – Term of endearment for beach goers in San Pedro, Texas on spring break who walk the coast in Jordans, socks and backpacks looking to help tourists find the nearest hospital.
Ball Don’t Lie- Rasheed Wallace’s immortal t-shirt contribution to the Barstool brand. Didn’t sell very well so usually tossed in as a prize for miscellaneous contests or tips.
Barstool Jr. – Deadspin
Black Twitter – Infinitely better than White Twitter. Has gifted us with colloquialisms such as “Midas Whale” and whatever Gucci Mane tries to say.
Blindos- A blind person. KFC’s subtle yet not war against disabled people.
Brownies Beer Die – A yearly tradition of a backyard beer die tournament in Abington, MA.
Cheese Boy – Pres ‘ arch enemy. Don’t get caught going (sneaky funniest video BSS has ever made)
______City, Population______ – A general way of saying that the referenced person is currently living in said city. For example > Lazy eye city, population KFC.
Cuckold – There’s a lot of hearsay about what this means, but to us it means that some dude is wheeling someone else’s chick right in their face or someone getting taking advantage of.
Cue The Duckboats- Term used to say when a Boston sports team is going to win the ‘ship. The teams ride in the Duckboats through Boston in their championship parades.
Cuncel (da saeson) – KFC’s illiterate friend texted him this a while back and has since become the Mets/Jets official team motto for every season since.
“Damn, _____ stole my girl again” – A quote from a Mr. Harrison on the JV football team in a highschool yearbook. Now used when someone is killing it with the ladies.
Dick Wrecker- A particular segment of the smokeshow demographic containing women who are perceived to be absolute freaks in the bedroom. Examples include Rhianna, Paulina Gretzky, and Betty White. Probably don’t want to bring them home to the folks. Usually get the F in MFK.
Drebos – A commenter who talked badly about the Boston Marathon which turned into an all out common section manhunt where some poor random dudes life got real interesting for a few days.
Doing Boners? – BigCat’s way of asking if its acceptable to pop wood on questionable content.
Edgartown Shark – The fake shark that caught the mogul off guard. Rookie ball bro.
Entenmanns –The official sponsor of KFC’s type 2 diabetes.
Esteban – Big Cats “stylist”.
For Sure Not – KFC’s catchphrase and name of the blog he wrote while still a cube monkey before getting called up to the big leagues for Team Barstool.
Good Job, Good Effort- A young fan said this to Lebron after a playoff loss to the Celtics.
H/t – Hat Tip, the way of giving props to someone for submitting content for a blog. I.e. H/t craig
Hardo – Term to describe an over achiever douche bag.
He Showed Up – The description of KFC’s performance during a “combine” with ESPN analyst Todd Mcshay. KFC showed that his only ability was his availability.
Hondos- A person from Honduras. KFC’s subtle yet not race war against a full blown country.
How Many Push Up’s can you do? – Feitelbergs widespread best first line you can use on tinder.
Internet Dollars – Term to describe how much money BSS is making, in fake internet money.
I just spit my coffee out and I wasn’t even drinking any – When shocked or surprised by a Youtube video feel free to use this phrase liberally.
Jenna Mourey Aka Jenna Marbles – A Barstool bikini body contest winner turned guest blogger turned lead blogger for StoolLaLa, the short lived women’s blog of the Barstool network. Now a YouTube sensation by making quick edit videos featuring dogs. Jumped ship and went hollywood while only acknowledging where she got her start once during a “Draw my life” video. To combine some definitions, Cuckold city, population Pres.
KFC Radio – A long time re-occuring google hangout and/or podcast talk
KO Barstool – A group of feminists out to destroy the common man. Tactics include conforming to the feminist stereotypes of being generally unattractive, illogical, and obnoxious. Instead of working hard and climbing to positions of power and respect they relegate themselves to going into barber shops instead of salons and being envious of attractive women. Too hard to champion women’s rights in, say, Iran, so they bitch about Florida’s new business logo having a neck tie.
MailTime – The Mantra of Stoolie Cube Monkeys everywhere. When you can’t even muster up some fake interest at your desk anymore, you shut it down, and mail it in.
Manhunt – When the Barstool crew went days without sleeping manhunting the fuck out of the Boston marathon terrorists, aka tweeting and listening to police scanners.
Manzo – One of the original writers at Barstool and Pres’ friend. Left before the getting’ got good but made a return heralded as a Phoenix rising from the ashes for BSNY. Didn’t really meet the hype and instead of a Phoenix his return turned out more like an actual bird on fire and came crashing down.
Michael Vick at Logan Airport – When Pres thought he broke nationwide news about Vick signing with the Patriots. The story went viral but it turned out it was just a random picture of Vick sent from a Stoolie fucking with Pres. Moguls gunna mogul.
Mortal Lock – When you see this bet everything you own on the exact opposite of the sports pick that follows it.
Paunch – A big, fat welcoming stomach. It’s a lifestyle.
Pink Hat – Chicks wear pink Red Sox hats to games and act like they care. Used here to describe a person who is a bandwagon/fake fan.
Pirate Dog – The only thing Pres knows how to draw, a dog with a pirate patch over his eye. Most famous for its appearance as the official sign of protest at KO Barstool Rallies.
Pizza Challenge – A regular segment where Pres taste tests pizza from all over the country and gives it a 1-10 rating. The highest score so far is from Rosies in Braintree, Ma.
Potato Sack Girl – A particular segment of the smokeshow demographic containing the beautiful girl next door type. Most likely a brunette who dresses classy that you want to take home to meet the folks.
Robby Lange – Big Cats dad.
Shut It Down – Jon Taffer form Bar Rescues catch phrase about shutting something down that is fucking up in its respected trade.
Slaters gunna slate- Term used for when haters are hating you. They hate, we slate.
Smokeshow – A Really hot girl.
Smoke Patrol – Kmarko’s uncanny ability to round up the stoolies to find any smokeshow that appears on TV or basically anywhere.
______, so hot right now, _____ – Insert name or thing when someone is flat out dominating something.
Squid – Just a geek. Usually someone who is either a clown, nerd, a bitch. etc
Smokesmash – One of the most underrated games in the world. Choose from two of the hottest college girls in the country to ultimately find the hottest co-ed in all the land.
Stoolapalooza – Barstool’s first attempt at a concert series which included the UMASS show and in turn developed into the Blackout Tour.
Sunday Night Scaries – That feeling of shame from the weekend mixed with the idea of work the following day that makes you want to die on Sunday nights.
Surfer Hair- Pres’ lettuce. Full salad extra dressing.
Team Pizza / Team Burrito – Pres and BigCat held a competition to see who could go longer eating only pizza or burritos for breakfast lunch and dinner. Big Cat won getting pres (team pizza) to eat popcorn at a Wisconsin basketball game.
The First Lady – The illustrious and esteemed Mrs. Renee Portnoy.
Twice On Sunday – Would’ve been the greatest name for a racehorse ever, but now simply used to accentuate a point. “…Would do it everyday and twice on Sunday.”
Uncle Buck – My mentor. Maybe the guy who had an even better/easier job than me. He was also even creepier than me. He just posted wake ups and probably had a few of them in his basement.
Viva La Stool – The war cry of Stoolies everywhere.
The Bread And Butter…
Guess That Ass – How Barstool does lunch. Snapshot of a mystery celebrity ass revealed as you read on. Primary reason why most Stoolies can pick Jessica Biel’s, Kim Kardashian’s, and Sophie Turner’s asses out of a booty lineup.
Wake Up With – The best part of waking up is Barstool shoving T&A in your face. Most likely the #1 reason Barstool becomes a restricted website at your workplace.
Does This Get My Buddy Laid? – Title of a series of blogs that usually feature an excellent life choice by a Stoolie or by a person captured on camera by a Stoolie.
Local Smokeshow Of The Day- Perhaps Barstool’s greatest feature. Stoolies nominate beautiful, local women to appear on the Stool to close out the day.
Marry, Fuck, Kill (MFK) – A pound for pound fight over broads by picking to Marry, Fuck, or Kill them.
Pussification Of America –A look into the corruption of today’s youth due to extreme restrictions by school administrators and parents, ultimately turning the nation into a bunch of cry baby entitled pussies.
Grading The Newest Sex Scandal Teacher- Regularly featured Jerry Thorton non-Patriots blogs cataloging female teachers having sex with underage students. Complete with categorical letter grades. At the end of the year he fields his starting lineup in baseball format composed of the most attractive/depraved scholastic sirens.
Milton’s Pimp My Look – Barstool’s attempt to help particularly sloppy Stoolies get their wardrobe and, by proxy, their shit together through acclamation by their peers. Helps fund Pres’ gambling, Big Cat’s claw and bucket hat purchases, Kmarko’s smoke patrols and KFC’s steak-tater tot-and cheese subs.
Does This Look Like The Face Of?- Barstool’s regular homage to America’s two favorite TV shows; Cops and The Man with the 128 lb Scrotum. Title of blogs that feature people claiming/doing ridiculous things or breaking the law in a particular outrageous/humorous way. Other than America, India and China get regular play on this feature.