Reader Email – Barstool Madness 2013
The tradition continues,
KFC proves hes a modern day juggernaut with his 2nd straight overall number one blogger title – All Gold Everything
Maurice is the surprise #2 blogger of the year, showing consistency and ingenuity (Not an affirmative action pick)
KMarko continues his slow fall from grace as the third number 1 seed – Stagnant is an understatment
Hate Feits all you want – Guys funny
Pres trolled too much – Big drop in performance (Don’t care if its taboo to say troll now — KFC)
Big Cat bursts onto the scene and beats the shit out of the rest of his conference
Neil was basically an automatic bid mid-major – Guy legitimately sucks
Severe dip in talent after the top 6.
Its a tradition unlike any other! Picking which person makes fart/dick/porn jokes the best! This Stoolie makes this every year but this year we got a new cast of characters to include. Like last year he had to include fucking Zollo in order to make a full 16 blogger field. At least all the people in the field actually write now. Here’s how I think it plays out:
Here’s a game by game breakdown:
Round 1 New York Bracket
– White Sox Dave wins the play in and gives me a solid first half run for my money like the #16 seeds in March Madness often do. His unintentional humor/stupidity is funnier than my intentional humor so it proves to be a harder first round game than on paper. In the end I make a racist joke and still win.
– Tall One does more work than anybody does to make KFC Radio happen, which was one of the biggest additions to the Barstool world this past year. He edges out Old Man Thornton.
Round 1 Chicago Bracket
– Feits with his first #1 seed trounces Neil.
– El Pres, furious with the committee for snubbing him as a #1, goes on the warpath against Smitty
Round 1 Philly
– Kmarko rests all his starters and still rolls through Real Anonymous
– 610 takes pictures of himself with his shirt off. Big Cat makes MS Paint masterpieces. Big Cat rolls.
Round 1 Boston Bracket
*Note – the Boston region might be the easiest region of fictional competitive blogging tournaments I’ve ever seen. I mean you might as well throw Dauer or Scott in there.
– Mo beats Rear Admiral in the most racially charged matchup of the tourney. I still think Mo is the only black person R.A. knows.
– JMac and Strasser – two Barstool NY disciples. JMac – the guy who started as the BSNY weekend blogger and KFC’s Friday Hangover Replacement before being poached by El Pres for a full time job in Boston, rolls in an easy victory.
– I make some more racist jokes and beat Tall One
– Feits vs Pres in a 1 v 2 matchup. Huge Boston show down. Young versus old. Fake Jew vs Real Jew. Boss vs Employee. Its a hard fought match but it ends up snowing and Feits decides not to show up to work giving El Pres the victory. Old Man Portnoy his revenge against the committee.
– Kmarko vs Big Cat in whats probably the hardest matchup of the whole tournament. Kmarko the most consistent, guaranteed blogger. Brings the hottest chicks, the newest and most viral videos. Big Cat the young buck who took the Stoolies by storm this year. Handclaws and burritos and weird obsessions with stalking victims. Its a coin flip so I’ll be perfectly honest – I’m saying Kmarko so that when he inevitably goes on his shooting rampage I’m not on his Kill List
– Mo takes out JMac. Just too much experience for the rookie Jmac to handle
KFC vs. El Pres – In all the years we’ve done Barstool brackets I don’t think there’s ever been a KFC/Pres matchup. Just never played out in the brackets that way. Pres blogs about dogs and school administrators. I make more racist jokes about people from Honduras and illiterate minorities on Twitter. KFC moves on to the title game.
Kmarko vs. Mo – 2 years in a row Kmarko and Maurice have met in the final 4. Same result as last year. Kmarko just too relentless with smokes and viral videos while Mo is blogging about Andrew Bynum’s hair again.
KFC vs Kmarko – Its like the Undertaker vs. Kane of the Barstool Empire. The original tag team that started NYC and launched Barstool out of New England – now facing each other. Quite apropos considering the recent passing of Paul Bearer. At the end of the day, I make a couple lists about hot chicks and whiny New Yorkers and female tendencies and take home the title. Also racist jokes helped too.
For those of you keeping track at home I think that makes a 3peat for KFC. Maybe 4? I dunno how long have I been doing this? Either 3 or 4 years of my life swirling around the toilet bowl heading towards the drain. But I’m still a champion.