Pope Quits!
Daily Mail- Pope Benedict XVI is to stand down as leader of the Catholic church, he announced today. In a decision that has shocked even his closest aides, the 85-year-old Pontiff said his health was ‘no longer adequate to continue in office due to his advanced age’. He announced his resignation in Latin to a meeting of Vatican cardinals this morning, emphasising that leading more than a billion Roman Catholics worldwide requires ‘both strength of mind and body.’ The Pope’s decision is unprecedented. He is the first to resign since Gregory XII in 1415, but no Pontiff in history has stepped down on health grounds. Although officials said there had been no pressure for him to resign, the internet is already awash with speculation that there was a more sinister reason behind his decision. In November 2011, Andrea Tornielli – a well-placed reporter from the Vatican Insider, a project run by La Stampa newspaper in Italy – said Pope Benedict found it agonising to walk even short distances due to ‘arthrosis’, thought to be an Italian term for osteoarthritis, in his knees, hips and ankles. Mr Tornielli said this was why the Pope began using a moving platform to address crowds during mass in St Peter’s Basilica.
Cuncel Da Pope! Resigning from Pope is just about the cockiest power move I’ve ever seen. Its one step away from God quitting. Guy just wants a nice little severance package and maybe get some rocks before he kicks the bucket. Probably just sick of dealing with pedos and abortion nuts and shit. Ain’t no shame in that game. I’ll tell you what it really was – that goddam Twitter. Pope joined twitter like 2 months ago and now he can barely survive on a day to day basis. Thats what fucking twitter can do to you. Jobs like Pope and being a blogger used to for the most part be 5 days a week, 9-5 job. Now all the sudden Twitter comes along and you’re expected to perform like a goddam monkey for everyone 24/7/365. Pope can’t just do mass a few times a week and go on tour every few years. Now he’s gotta be Tweeting the Word Of God all day every day. He’s worried about his followers, he’s worried about his Klout score. He’s got haters tweeting at him all day long. I’m tellin you – Twitter is a mechanism of Satan. Pope Benedict has seen the Devil’s face – and it looks like a big fat blue tweety bird. Twitter is enough to make even the Holiest man realize there is no God.
So whats next for the Pope? If you don’t do church anymore once you’re an old person, you basically don’t do anything. Once Pope takes off that hat and turns in his Pope card he’s probably just looking to unload his 85 year old balls. Just gotta join a Del Boca Vista type condo complex and clean up on all the old religious pussy. You know how many chicks would give it up for the Holy See? Thats like getting to fuck Matlock or Perry Mason times a billion.
PS – Cardinal Oscar Rodriguez Maradiaga is a 12/1 favorite to be next Pope. He’s in the top 10 to be the next Pope. Where’s he from? Motherfucking Honduras! Hondo Pope! I’m pulling so hard for Oscar you don’t even fucking know. I know they’re my sworn enemies but I need a Hondo Pope.