Pope Candidates Narrowed Down From Sweet Sistine To The Elite Eight Eminences, Bookies Offering Bets On Next Pope

Hurriyet – Irish bookmaker Paddy Power has begun taking bets on the identity of the next leader of the Roman Catholic Church, with Ghanaian Cardinal Peter Turkson leading the way at 5/2. As part of the bookmaker’s “Next Pope” category, members of the public can bet on what country the next pontiff will come from, his age, his first foreign visit and place a wager on whether he resigns from his post like his predecessor, Benedict XVI. Irish singer Bono is also on the list, albeit at fairly long odds of 1,000/1. More surprisingly, British evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins, who is famous for his books on atheism, is also included on the list at the entirely coincidental odds of 666/1. The odds of the next pontiff departing his post early were listed at a surprisingly short 5/2. Benedict XVI, who resigned Feb. 28 after waving goodbye to St. Peter’s Square, is only the second pope to voluntarily quit in the church’s 2,000-year history. Preparations for electing the new pope began yesterday as the College of Cardinals met at the Vatican. The Vatican has yet to issue any comment on the betting over the identity of the next pontiff.

Pope Odds

Peter Turkson – Ghana – 5/2 Favorite

Oscar Rodriguez – Honduras – 33/1

Bono – Ireland – 1000/1

Pope is the 2nd most meaningless job on the planet earth. Queen/King/Prince of England is the collective number 1. Those motherfuckers do absolutely nothing. They have like zero power other than social clout over one tiny ass country. Pope at least is the head of an institution with 1 billion followers. But still, a completely meaningless job. Before Benedict just decided “fuck it, I’m out” every other Pope stayed in power until they were fucking dead. They were like 800 years old just sitting on their Pope throne doing absolutely nothing. Probably shitting in the Pop diapers, not even aware they were awake. Even when they do have some sot of responsibility they just dont do anything. Sex scandal? Ehh, just move him to a new church. Then bash the gays, say you don’t like condoms, and call it a career. Total joke of a job.

So for the sake of good blog material, I am pulling SO hard for the Black Pope. Black Pope would be absolutely bananas. Pulled straight from a Chappelle skit. Black Pope would rattle the SHIT out of the Catholics. I’d love to watch them go nuts. He should turn church into like a Baptist party – songs and dancing and Holy Ghost touching and shit. Black Pope would be insane. And he’s the odds on favorite so theres a solid shot. My number 2 choice would be the Hondo Cardinal. Just because that would reignite and escalate the KFC vs. Hondo feud. And obviously choice number 3 is my hometown hero Timmy Dolan. Get an NYC mick up in there.

PS – How offended is Bono that a fucking atheist is listed at 666/1? I understand the symbolism that 666 is for the devil but bottom line is Bono is 1000/1. This dude has better odds than he does? Slap in the fucking face.

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