Fake Cardinal Sneaks Into Important Pope Meetings In The Vatican

Absolutely would have fooled me

VATICAN CITYThe too-short cassock should have been a giveaway. A man tried to sneak into secret talks Monday that are being held by the Catholic cardinals who will select the next pope. Wearing a makeshift bishop costume, he arrived at the Vatican with an entourage of fake clerics, even posing for photos with a real cardinal. He then made it past at least one level of security before being stopped outside the Sistine Chapel. The impostor was identified by Italian news agency ANSA as Ralph Napierski. He is a German who said he is part of a non-existent Catholic institution called Corpus Dei (a play on “Opus Dei,” a real Catholic group). His attempted infiltration prompted the Vatican to hold discussions on improving security that already includes sweeping the Sistine Chapel for listening devices. Napierski was wearing a too-short cassock, a black fedora in place of a clergy’s skull cap and a bright purple-pink sash that turned out to be a simple winter scarf. He was accompanied by a small entourage of fake priest assistants, according to some Italian news reports. Napierski milled around the area outside the meetings for half an hour with no problems. He told onlookers his name was Basilius and that he was a bishop in the Italian Orthodox Church, which does not exist.

You’ve heard of crashing weddings. You’ve even heard of crashing funerals. But nothing compares to crashing a little Conclave. Throw on a funny hat and a sash like its fucking Halloween and strut right into those Pope meetings like J. Christ himself sent you there. Who am I, you ask? I’m Father Buonarartti. From the Italian Orthodox Church. Monsignor Minestrone sent me. I’ve heard that 4 Cardinals have been kidnapped and branded with the 4 Elements. I am here to provide you with my knowledge of the Illuminati behavior in an effort to make sure Conclave still continues.

Sure, its only a matter of time before they realize you’re explaining the plot of Angels and Demons. And yes, unless you’re a gayball or a kid toucher there’s not much benefit to crashing Conclave. But these fucking priests and wacky Catholics think that the Pope is so goddam important it would be absolutely hilarious to make a mockery of their whole process. Its like Lauren Silberman kicking at the NFL Combine. So many people take this shit so seriously and here’s some goon crashing the party turning it into a total joke. Strolling into the Sistine fucking Chapel like you’re a pro. What a move. So cocky you gotta respect it.

PS – Maybe its time for you guys to update your uniforms? I mean when a dude throws on a blanket, a fedora and a pink cumberbun towel and blends right in with the crowd, its a pretty clear indicator you’re all dressing like assholes.

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