Does This Look Like The Face Of A Guy Arrested For Beating Off At The Beach?

Sun SentinelAnother day at the beach…ruined. All because some dude wanted to play Free Willie at the beach. A 35-year-old woman who visits Smathers Beach almost everyday told cops a man sitting near her at the beach had exposed himself and masturbated. The woman also told cops that the man was reportedly “doing it so hard that his whole body was shaking.” When a cop had first arrived, he could not clearly see what the man was doing because the man was sitting near some sea oats with a backpack near his side, which obstructed the officer’s view. But the officer noted that he could see the man’s arm moving although he could not determine the motion. As soon as the man, later identified as Elijah Slocumb, of Key West, spotted the cop, he “immediately grabbed a small blue towel” and appeared to wipe his hands with it. The woman told the cops that Slocumb, 42, had initially sat several feet away from her as she read a book. However, when she glanced up to watch some kite surfers, she then noticed the man had moved closer to her and was doing a little handiwork…ahem. Cops noted that Slocumb was sober before hauling him to the pokey.

Could this cunt have tried any harder to watch Elijah Slocumb slap his pud around? Jesus. She might as well have walked over, pulled his dick out from his Speedos & rubbed some Banana Boat on it. We all know what “glanced up to watch some kite surfers” means at the beach, honey. It’s the universal excuse for hawking some smoke’s glistening tits or, in this broad’s case, Elijah’s wood. And how about the cop? Was Elijah pounding himself with body-shaking pleasure for hours, or did this dude drop his half-eaten lunch for dibs on the “Possible Public Masturbation” call? The logistics just don’t add up unless this guy REALLY wanted to catch the show.

Elijah Slocumb doesn’t belong in jail. Dude’s not running around rampantly dropping loads on the faces of beach-goers like seagull shit. It’s not a public performance from the top of the dunes. He kept his privates private behind a backpack, which falls in line with my theory on seeing dicks. Simply put, I don’t want to see them. I don’t care if it’s a bathing suit or a backpack obstructing my view, just keep your hog out of my sight & we don’t have to get the law involved.

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