KFC Editors Note: This is Keith. I have no idea who he is. He didn’t even have a commenter name until this week but he was enthusiastic as fuck about doing COTW. I mean he’s emailed me off the hook like 50 times asking about. Its by far the longest comments of the week of all time. I’m not even sure he picked out the best ones, I think he just re-listed all of the comments. But I figured hey, its just more material for the Cube Monkeys to kill time on Friday afternoon…Comments of the Week, presented by Mullet Keith:
These comments are taken from Last Friday’s blogs to yesterday’s blogs. I read every single comment made on the New York site. If you didn’t make it on here, you’re not funny. I have all the comments in categories of things you guys talked about this week. Without any further introduction here are the comments of the week from July 19 – July 25:
Best Racist Comments: Everyone loves racist jokes and the stool always has them. So that’s what we’re starting with.
Blog: Coach Stabbed in the Back of the Neck by Man Looking For Exes New BF
Comment: This is NOT a good year for the last name Hernandez. But then again, I don’t think any year is good for that last name -scoopcity17
I don’t have anything to add here. There is very little good news ever for the last name Hernandez.
Blog: Rich Manhattan Parents Paying $400/ hr for Play Date Consultants
Comment: Chinese babies are taking Mandarin at 4. Because Chinese people would pay $400 for social skills. Because they have none. - jesterly
All Asian Stereotypes are the truest stereotypes. This one included.
Blog: How Many Times Will You See Your Parents Before They Die?
Comment: I don’t think the survey works properly. When you input an African country, the father question disappears. - Animalman
That’s just a minor technicality to the system since if you’re black you don’t get to see your father, ever.
Blog: China Replacing Police Dogs with Geese Police
Comment: They ate all the dogs – Jaybone
Comment: Only place this works is in China. Try that in America where the people aren’t the same height as the Geese – Hashketchum
Both of these are spot on. Can’t have police dogs if you eat them all, and nobody committing a crime in America will let geese arrest them.
Blog: Hoodrat Brawl at the Drag Racing Track
Comment: These videos are like watching national geographic. The negro in their natural habitat. – Sheep
Comment: At the end it looked like a line fight in a hockey game with all the gloves on the ice. Except they were black and there were weaves, not gloves. – Yaheard
The weaves being ripped out are my favorite parts of these fight videos. Only word to describe them is ‘Ratchet’.
Blog: Pakistan TV Show Giving Away Free Babies to Try to Bolster Ratings
Comment: Does the baby come with a customer service telephone headset? - Bayridge718
Only thing a Middle Eastern baby will need. It already knows computers. It’s in their blood.
Blog: Raccoon Straight Up Owns Crew of Cats
Comment: World Star is famous for their coon videos. – Otwisted
That’s the perfect racist comment.
Best Random Comments: These are comments you left that had nothing to do with the story but were still awesome.
Blog: Porn Prooducer Vows to Raise Money for Anthony Weiner’s Campaign
Comment: If you own 3 cats you should lose your right to vote – Wilburnham
Spot on right here. Cats fucking suck.
Comment: Wish I was rich I would just buy hookers and drugs every day – Jaybone
I’ve never agreed with a statement more in my entire life.
Blog: Caption Contest 89
Comment: So I’m sitting here minding my own business looking at pictures of a dog sniffing a dime piece’s asshole and the office hottie walks past me. She looks at my computer and I’m expecting to get yelled at for objectifying women or some shit and instead she says “oh my god I love barstool.” I think I’m in love. – Tummystixx
You guys should hook up and become barstools fucked up version of Pam and Jim from the office.
Blog: Tyson Chandler Skipped Leg Day at the Gym
Comment: Bol can tie his dick in a knot according to Michael Jordan – Drewwagg1
Just picture Michael Jordan telling a story about Manute Bol tying his dick in a knot, and try not laughing
Blog: Investment Banker Jumps Out of His 7th Story Window
Comment: “You show up to work 45 minutes late today, which happens to be the second time this month by the way, and the first thing you do is check Barstool? Seriously?” –My boss. Happy Monday, fellas. – Little birdie
You couldn’t describe the struggle in the cube world any better than this.
Best Wife/Gf/Kid/Life Hate Comments: This section is the best comments for those of you who talk about how much you hate your wives, kids, or life in general now. Sometimes they’re mildly depressing, but usually hilarious.
Blog: Mute Girl Gains Ability to Talk After Crushing Tons of Philadelphia Cream Cheese
Comment: The miracle was this kid was mute for 3 years. The cream cheese just ruined a good thing for the parents. – Uncle phil
100% Accurate. These parents are going to be begging for their days of peace and silence back.
Blog: Husband Leaves Divorce Note For Wife After The Most Disrespectful Oreo Behavior
Comment: Boy it’s a shame you need to marry someone before actually getting to know their true colors. This poor guy married a monster. - Little birdie
This is more about the guy in the blog than the commenter. The fact remains eating just the cream from an oreo and leaving the chocolate cookies behind is the most disrespectful disgusting thing your wife could ever do to you. Only thing that’s close to as bad is if she spits after giving a blowjob. And if you knew she did either beforehand you should have NEVER married her.
Blog: Dude Facing Rape Charge Uses the Old If I Needed Sex I Would Have Got a Fat Girl Defense
Comment: My wife is fat. She didn’t use to be, but now she is. It makes me sad-that is all – Shermfloaters
This guy is just coming to terms with how life is now. The glory days are gone.
Blog: Scientists Say Human Happiness Peaks at Ages 23 and 69
Comment: At 22 I was spending as much time as possible at the beach, had two girls I was banging on the reg, smoked copious amounts of wee, drank 5-6 nights a week without a massive hangover, and was in the best shape of my life. Soon after turning 23 I had my first daughter. The lesson? Life peaked at 22 and always wear a rubber. Always. - Tdub4202
This is a PSA to everyone
Blog: Adam Levine Told Nina Agdal He Was Engaged Via Text Message
Comment: I watch the voice cause my girl is so turned on by him I get head without asking after - Stooliebillsfan
This was the nicest thing anyone had to say about their wife or girlfriend all week.
Best Comments Making Fun of KFC
There’s always a lot of these but not many very good ones.
Blog: Mike Tyson says He Couldn’t Beat Glass Joe in Punch Out
Comment: Losing to glass Joe is the equivalent of losing to you in anything sports related – Buddyandstudd
That is a perfect analogy.
Blog: Kanye and Kim Have Almost $1 Million Worth of Gold Toilets
Comment: Hey KFC, what’s completely identical between 1) not re-blogging shitty stories, and 2) a blind guy at a strip club? ….Neither is hard. - Mouthbreather
You guys are always saying the same bullshit about re-blogs, at least do it differently.
Best Comments About Sex: This section is all of your best comments involving sex. Whether it’s a story, joke, random, or hypothetical if it involves vaginas tits or dicks it’s all here. This is obviously the most popular category among the stoolie commenters.
Comment: I had cream cheese come out of my dick before but it turns out it was Chlamydia - Walter White
Blog: Tokyo Police Department Shuts Down Overweight Japanese Hooker Delivery Service
Comment: Canceling my flight to Tokyo – Sticky fingers
Blog: Bro Ditches His GF After She Gets Her Head Stuck Between Railing During Stairway Sex
Comment: He was just in the garage getting a ladder… her face was on the 5 – Teddygin719
Blog: Yanks Closing In on Soriano
Comment: One time, I came inside the condom after sex, ripped it open , took a little cum with my thumb and tan it over her forehead, I called her Simba. – dwaynewadesherpes
Blog: Raccoon Straight Up Owns Crew Of Cats
Comment: Sometimes, when a girl asks meto put a condom on, I reach into my drawer and rip a piece of paper and pretend to put one one… Works every time. - Newport
Blog: Guess That Ass – Adrienne Curry at Comic Con
Comment: I’d do the subzero freeze move then do weird shit to her fanny - MrEddieMoney
Blog: Caption Contest – Dog Licking Girl’s Pussy
Comment: Man’s two best friends saying hi to one another – Numero Two
Comment: Is that a conch shell on your inner thigh? Because when I put my ear up to it I smell the ocean. – Vendetta5885
Blog: Craigslist Ad of the Day: Looking For A Female Hipster to Moon Me
Comment: How pissed would Kevin be if he was cruising CL for Latina’s and a group of Honduran broads show up at his door?
Blog: Your 2013 World’s Smallest Penis Winner Is This Fucking Guy
Comment: “I’m currently single” Yeah, no shit dude - Thisguyrighthere
Blog: Study Says 62% of Chicks Check Their Phone During Sex
Comment: My sexual encounters don’t last long enough for the chick to check her phone.- BillyBaroo
That is it for the comments this week. Hope you liked them, and if you didn’t you can go fuck yourself.
Follow me on Twitter @KeithyFnGreen and yes my mullet is real.
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