As you know, today was the official launch of Taco Bell’s breakfast menu. As a man of the people, the people’s champion if you will, I took it upon myself to actually leave the house and take a drive down to my local Taco Bell establishment to give a few of the new items a try. This is just review #1, as I hope to review all the items for you, the people.
Now let me say this: I decided to go all bacon today. Most items you can choose bacon or sausage, and today I preferred bacon.
So without further ado, let’s get to the reviews:
I won’t keep you waiting. First up is the famed waffle taco. The apple of everyone’s eyes since they announced the menu way back yonder. I must remind you, I had already decided to go all bacon everything. So while I think this product is probably better with the sausage option, I had to keep my variable constant. It’s called science.
WAFFLE TACO REVIEW: In my initial review, I gave it a 4. A god damn 4. Why? The hype machine. It was supposed to come out and hit 40 home runs in a season, and it only hit 20. It was smaller than advertised, and after a couple bites, I didn’t have a strong grasp on the flavors. But then everything changed. I took another bite. And I must have hit the sweet spot, because my mouth did jumping jacks. It was delicious. AND THEN I noticed there was syrup in the bag. Game.Changer.City. I poured a heap of syrup on the last couple bites, and nothing was the same again. After bite number 1, it was a 4. After I finished it, it skyrocketed up to a 6.8. I really enjoyed it. Is it the next Babe Ruth that we all thought it might be? No. But I’ll tell you what, if you’re driving on a cross country road trip and need a quick snack, I would suggest a waffle taco in the clutch.
Waffle Taco is a 6.8.
Next up is the AM Crunchwrap. What is it? Not really sure. A bunch of breakfast foods mixed together, grilled in a tortilla.
AM CRUNCHWRAP REVIEW: It was fucking delicious. After one bite, it was a 7.1. And again, using the one bite rule deterred me from giving a fair score. Maybe it works for pizza, but not for AM Crunchwraps. You need to get down deep in there to get a true score. So after more bites, I realized this thing is the fuckings bees knees, cats pajamas, and the dog’s tuxedo all rolled into one. It has hashbrowns in it, bacon, cheese, and I swear I tasted a nice helping of nacho cheese. I don’t want to look it up because I know what I tasted, and it was nacho cheese. And that’s what set it over the top. Hashbrowns with nacho cheese in a grilled tortilla with a bunch of other random breakfast foods thrown in there made me literally look at the crunchwrap, smile, and then take another bite. It was a moment. So no, it was not a 7.1. The thing that is holding it back was consistency. I don’t want to have to wait til bite 6 or so to get to the prime spot of flavor. Spread it throughout the whole thing. Don’t be coy.
AM Crunchwrap is an 8.7.
And lastly, we have the Cinnabon delights. Little cinnamon dough balls filled with cinnabon frosting.
CINNABON BITES REVIEW: Let me say this. They come in packs of 2, 4, or I think 6. And I decided to go with the 4. Huge mistake. I wanted a picture of the inside of one for research purposes, and I wasn’t able to because I shoveled all 4 down my gullet so fast. I think I could literally eat 100 of them. If that’s what kills me, than so be it. These things are like crack. Unreal. It’s not like I’ve never had anything similar, but I was fucking amazed to get them this morning at Taco Bell. The consistency was perfect, the frosting was amazing, and they are really just an unbelievable food. The fact you can get them from Taco Bell is mind blowing.
Cinnabon Bites are a strong 9. And that’s lowballing them. I think they are more like a 9.3.
So there you have it. My comprehensive review of the Waffle Taco, the AM Crunchwrap, and the Cinnabon Delights. And yes, I did get Taco Bell coffee too. Because if you are going to eat all this, you need to immediately diet too. And what better way to diet than drink coffee with your Taco Bell breakfast?
People’s Champion, out.