Barstool Idol Anonymous Blog #2 – I Am Genetically Gifted
Editor’s Note – Today the 5 remaining Barstool Idol contestants are getting back to the roots of the site and blogging. Each contestant has written a blog which I am merely formatting, not editing or changing in any other way. At the bottom of each blog you can rate it on a 1-10 scale. Barstool Sports started as a blog, so let’s see what the guys got.
I’m genetically gifted. Maybe even a specimen from like, the future. I dunno where I got it from. Maybe it’s just dumb luck. Maybe I petted a ton of dogs and sorta tolerated cats in a past life so I’m being rewarded. Maybe the mixed up sperm of my dads, Fat Joey Fatone and DJ kahled, mutated these specific cells that set me apart from everyone else. I’ve known for years.
I try not to think about it often, but when I do I smile so smugly that Wilmer Valdarrama’s Smug ass
gets a shiver down his spine cuz somewhere deep down inside his loins he knows that someone does sex with girls as much/more than him (I don’t). But alas, my smugness doesn’t come from my sex appeal. It’s comes from the fact that I’ve never used chapstick before. Not. Even. Once. Part of me feels bad for all you ladyboys out there who’s “lips are dry” so you have to use your girly little clear lipstick to lube them up. YOUR lips are dry?! Ha! Ya know who’s lips are really dry? Somalians, that’s who. Im pretty sure it’s hot as fuck in Somalia. There’s no water anywhere. No friggin food. And there is definitely no chapstick. Yet they live their lives just the same. I think at least. Who knows. Now that I’m thinking about it maybe they’re just super skinny cuz they’re lips are so dry they can’t open their mouths to eat or they’ll crack and fall off. Hmmmm. Mental pretzel city now….Anyway, I don’t want you to judge me any differently because of my genetically advanced, moist, supple lips. Judge me on how much more learn-ed I am about Somalian culture than you are.
On an unrelated note, since I have this platform, I’d like to speak on the fact that there are certain people who may or may not have started this company who like to wax poetic (no clue what that shit actually means) about the Patriots being the greatest NFL franchise of all time. While I respect/hate Brady and Belichick more than anyone, and would be willing to admit they’re the best franchise of the last 2 decades, I cannot, ney, will not call them the greatest ever. To be the greatest ever it’s about championships. The Steelers have 6 all time. Soon to be 7. The patriots have 5. Like many others at barstool im not a math guy, but I’m almost 69% sure 6 is more than 5. Plus have you ever had a Promanti Bros sandwich? Dick barf city (orgasm city). I’ll take that shit over chowdah any day. Speaking candidly, some chowdah as an app would be ideal. With those little oyster crackers….Damn. I need a snack.