Barstool Office Power Rankings – Week 35 – Quite A Big Week

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ATTN: From the desk of the Assistant (To The) Editor-in-Chief:

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. Once again we have the Barstool Office Power Rankings, coming at you from Barstool HQ in beautiful midtown New York City for the 35th week in a row. Memorial Day has come and gone, but the dartys last forever. Now that we are in the midst of our first Summer in HQ, things are heating up. We had Tex fighting people, Dave suspending people, and the Purple Starfish basketball team picked up our first win. Despite being a short week, it was a very fat week. And all the while, yours truly stayed out of trouble, shout out to me for such a great accomplishment.

But hey, there’s no reason to congratulate me, but you can if you want. Anyway, without further ado, let’s give out this week’s top 5:

 

5) Trent and Rone

As they say, not all heroes wear capes. And unless a cape comes in the form of an Iowa hoodie or a Young and Happy shirt, neither Trent nor Rone wear one. But that didn’t stop them from jumping in and saving the Youngest of Pageviews’ life on Thursday when he was viciously attacked by the Bandera Butthole himself, Tex Stone. Neither of them hesitated to take action when they realized the most mentally unstable human being on Earth was on the attack

 

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Hey, if Britney can make it through 2007 and still look like this today

then I’m not ready to give up quite yet on Tex aka please don’t kill me when you inevitably snap and go on a shooting spree.

4) Milmore

I feel like I have to throw Milmore in here at least once a month because I have no idea why he works here and not for like…South Park or something. How he manages to pack so many punches into a 5 minute cartoon is insane. He holds nothing back, nails every joke, and satirizes the week that was so perfectly. He also does nerd shit behind the scenes so shout out to him for that as well. If you didn’t watch this morning’s Barstool Short at least 3 times, you’re a crazy person. Make sure you’re signed up to the Newsletter, you get the best of the day before and a new cartoon every Friday. Best value on the Internet, thank you based Keith Marko for inventing it.

 

3) Office Manager Brett

 

Live look at Brett when he’s no longer the biggest detriment to Barstool Sports:

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Have a day Brett, have a day. Sure he has messed up every flight he has ever booked. Want to get from NYC to Atlanta? Well, enjoy that 4 hour layover in Houston. And did he lose $10,000 worth of Dave’s clothes? You know, it’s hard to say. But is he still the biggest detriment to Barstool Sports. NO SIR! NO MAM! Plus Yung B had a birthday this week, so in just 4 more years he’ll be able to drink legally. Everything coming up Office Manager Brett.

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2) Dave

Look, Dave takes a lot of heat. Sometimes warranted, other times not. For example, we like to make fun of his height

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and his backwards knees

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And he’s been put in quite a few body bags on Twitter recently

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But he’s still the leader of men, and at least 2 women, and did the brave thing this week and took down a blog that was fat shaming Rihanna. As a company, we would never go out of our way to insult women, especially their weight, unless of course it’s Kate Upton/Lena Dunham/Beyonce, or unless the blog was written by someone Dave likes. Do you think it was easy for Dave to take down a blog written by this guy?

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Absolutely not. But that’s why he’s the King.

Also, he murdered Clay Travis today.

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#GoPresGo indeed.

 

1) Spags

Yahoo! Men’s Health! Daily Mail! Perez Hilton! If there was a website that wanted to take the moral ground this week, Chris “Spags” Spagnuoulo was on it. He was everywhere this week, and all it took was one blog.

As they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity. And it’s great for him, because when a Tinder match Googles his name now, they’ll see how famous he is

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Some guys just have all the luck, eh? Not only that, but he’s being paid to do nothing. That’s my fucking DREAM. And he’s using his time off wisely, getting in shape with no ulterior motive behind this picture at all

Quite a week for the definitely in no way gay Chris Spags. Quite the week indeed.

 

Artist Of The Week

Shout out to Ria for drawing everyone in the office. My favorite has to be Riggs:

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And it turns out Caleb has been moonlighting as a DJ this entire time- it all makes sense now

I wish I could dispute the size of my head, but what can ya do. When the artist nails it, she nails it.

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Awful Fishnapping of the Week

Stealing Larry II out of the freezer is a despicable act. He was our friend, our companion, and to some, our lover. Thankfully he was recovered (look for the full saga on this week’s Stool Scene’s), but the fishnapping will not soon be forgotten.

 

#TBT of the Week

 

Doppleganger Of The Week

The fact Big Cat has an exact twin who is in better shape than anyone in the world was without a doubt the funniest thing on the internet this week. Dude is IDENTICAL to Big Cat, except for the whole portion control/muscles/has sex thing. You can read the full rundown of the saga in the blog, it’s well worth the click.

I mean, it’s just too perfect.

 

Product To Wear To Fit In With The Young Hip Kids

And that about does it for this week’s rankings. Be sure to follow us all on Twitter, rate all the Podcasts 5 stars, and call your mother and tell her you love her.

Until next time,

Nate

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