Barstool Office Power Rankings – Week 30
ATTN: From the desk of the Assistant (To The) Editor-in-Chief:
Welcome back to everybody’s favorite feature, the Barstool Office Power Rankings. We have now officially done this thing 30 weeks in a row. 30! Thanks to all the great readers who keep this thing afloat, and don’t forget to buy your Darty shirt.
This week at Barstool was an interesting one. Lots of full time employees were in and out of the office all week. Even with hair plugs here and the NFL Draft there, there is still rarely a dull moment when you work at Barstool Sports HQ. Friends become enemies, enemies become friends, you truly have no idea what is going to happen next. Since it’s a nice sunny day and we all want to get to a rooftop, that’s enough chitter chatter, (or as it’s called around here, YP’ing) here are this week’s rankings:
5) Vacation Boys
There is nobody who has it better than the Vacation Boys. Every Monday they look at the PGA calendar, decide what sunny destination they most want to go to, and then book a flight to film a video. This past week they went to New Orleans. Just spent some time hanging out with Boomer and Beef, having fun in the sun.
Trent and Riggs come back from their vacation in their fancy new polos with golden tanned skin and make the rest of us feel like god damn idiots that we didn’t decide to make a golf podcast first. They could very well be flying to Hawaii tomorrow and it would just be par for the course (NPI) for the Vacation Boys.
Here’s a fun fact about the Editor in Chief of the multi-million dollar company Barstool Sports: he doesn’t drink water. He legit despises drinking water because then he has to use the bathroom and apparently if he spends 30 seconds not ferociously editing blogs from his desk, Barstool could reblog,
have typos in the titles
or just cease to run, at all!
But because Keith has the sniffles or is sick basically every single day, I have been bringing him a bottle of water to his desk every morning, figuring if you get bored enough, you’ll drink a bottle of water throughout the day. And it’s worked! Our baby boy KMarko has been drinking one (1) bottle of water every day.
It’s a miracle! As Darty SZN approaches, I hope to get him up to two (2) bottles per day. Can’t have our fearless EIC dehydrated, he might end up taking a picture where he looks like a stock picture of a blindo selling whisky glasses in SkyMall.
3) Frank The Tank Flemming
Frank the Tank is a sports fan’s sports fan. Everything he does is 100% pure. There’s no BS with him. He lives for sports. All he cares about is sports. Hating Frank is as insane as faking cancer to get a job. I mean look at this guy
I’d take a bullet for Frank The Tank. I mean the chances if I stood in front…nevermind. The point remains, he’s as pure as the driven snow and his Vlogs are a factory of lights.
2) Natey Pageviews
Shout out to Natey Pageviews for dominating the Rundown yesterday. The regular host of the Rundown, Davey Pageviews, was out canoodling, so someone had to fill his size 6 boots, and Natey Pageviews was the man for the job. Sure he didn’t somehow tie the WNBA chick to Deflategate somehow, but that’s why he’s only number 2 on the Rankings instead of number 1. There’s always room for improvement when you’re a Pageviews, there’s always something to aspire for. If you’re a Young Pageviews you aspire to get Stool Scenes out before 4am on Sunday morning. If you’re Davey Pageviews you aspire to slide into 5 different girls DMs on Instagram and have them all be of age. And if you’re Natey PV, you have to remember to cross your legs like a chick and mention the Patriots 5 more times during the course of a 13 minute Rundown.
1) Pardon My Take
There go them Pardon My Take boys again, causing mischief and making hilarious videos from the streets of Philadelphia. In case you missed it, they bought a conversion van, sold ads to local companies, and are now interviewing guests like Donovan McNabb in the back seat, you know, like all number 1 podcasts in the universe do
With a van like this, what could possibly go wrong?
Despite the minor being pulled over by the cops ordeal, I would say Vanny Woodhead was a smashing success.
And the PMT boys made a video for every single draftpick from last night. Every one. I don’t know when they sleep, but god damn are they good.
If you’re one of the only people not listening to PMT, don’t be a jabroni, subscribe to that shit.
Francis’ Apology Game
So our resident Ginger decided to take a shot at Frank The Tank, seemingly out of nowhere. It seemed Francis was not a fan of the attention our boy Frank was getting, so he took a jab at him. The Stoolies were NOT happy, to say the least. So Francis did the nice thing, and issued an apology:
To be honest, this isn’t a “needs improvement” because I feel bad for Frank. We make Internet jokes about everyone here. If Frank doesn’t know he’s fat by now, well, then there are bigger issues to explore. The needs improvement is because Francis then did a real apology.
BOOOOOOOO!!!!! BOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Get that soft serve out of here. Don’t jab, double down, and then cower away. Throw a knockout punch. Step on his face! Francis later rescinded his real apology, but the damage of flip flopping was already done. Gotta stand for something. Not everyone can like the Tank. I am very in for a Francis vs Frank war, hopefully this isn’t the end of it.
YP’s Entire Life Situation
Nothing about YP makes sense. He’s lived at the Office for months now, but this whole time has been driving a truck around the City? Kid is like an onion, we are just peeling back layers and learning wild new things about him day after day, week after week, chit after chat. This kid is just randomly filming rats in a tulip garden at 3:49 am on a Thursday
It’s just unreal.
There is a rumor swirling around HQ that he actually has an apartment now…but I have a feeling it was started by YP because…well….guess who?!
The YP difference, indeed.
Office Guest Of The Week: US Open Trophy
Lookit that beauty. And the trophy ain’t too bad either. The US Open trophy came to Barstool HQ this week and somehow Smitty didn’t insult the guy and ruin any million dollar deals, so it was a big win for us. The guy who brings the trophy around wouldn’t let you within 50 feet of it without gloves on…which did not phase one Michael Rapaprpaprproaprpat
Employee Fired From A Fake Job Of The Week
He came in like the wind and out like the Sun. Coach Nate tried to take a bunch of bloggers and turn them into basketball players, but the owner of the team axed him after 2 games. It was not meant to be for the young, hungry coach, who couldn’t get guys who literally could not get up and down the court twice without needing to rest to win games. Never a good sign when one of your best players is being compared to Oliver Miller
And shooting 3/30 from 3 was sup-optimal as well, but them’s the breaks in the hard knock life of coaching men’s league basketball for an internet company.
Sabremetrics of the Week
Reminder Dave Ate Food Off The Sidewalk Of The Week
George Brett also came into the office and was the coolest person EVER. We will have videos/podcasts with him dropping all next week, and they are all 10/10s. Can’t wait for everyone to see and hear it all. Just so good.
That about does it for this week. The first big Saturdarty of the year is tomorrow, so make sure you stay inside and follow everyone on every platform, listen to every podcast, and buy every beach town shirt.
Have a great weekend, amigos.