Barstool Office Power Rankings – Week 28
ATTN: From the desk of the Assistant (To The) Editor-in-Chief:
Welcome back to everybody’s favorite feature, the Barstool Office Power Rankings, done every single week without fail. Myself and Kmarko pride ourselves on sort of being the Cal Ripken of Barstool Sports with this feature. Rain or snow, hurt or injured, sober or darty, we bring our readers the Power Rankings week in and week out, no matter what.
This week at the office was…well…slow. And also rather upbeat. Happy, if you will. People are high-fiving in the hallways, buying candy to share, just good vibes all around. Shit, I might have even seen Loud Sean say good morning to Chris Spags, it’s like cats and dogs living together in this place. And I think you will see that reflected in the power rankings.
All this positivity means one thing and one thing only- some shit will go down next week. We don’t know what. We don’t know when. But it will happen, and it will be glorious.
But nevertheless, there are still rankings to power, so let’s get to it.
5) The Barstool Basketball Team
As you may know, the Barstool Bloggers have started a basketball team, and are led by their fearless and very handsome bench boss, Coach Nate. This week they were set to play their first game against the best of the bottom-tier NYC intramural basketball teams, only for the other team to forfeit because of a Jewish holiday. While it’s a shame they didn’t get to play a team of white jews who would rather eat matzah than hoop, the squad did put in an hour of practice to really get the juices flowing/do their first exercise since the signing of the Magna Carta.
It was quite a showing for the boys, with highlights including YP not listening to a word anyone said the entire time and being made to do pushups
Coley getting 3, maybe even 4 inches off the ground
And OMB’s hair still being flawless, even after 60 minutes of play
Like, how is that even possible? I’m hearing Coach Nate might make him run laps until he’s puking in that beautiful flow of his, it’s just not fair.
The next game is Tuesday night, and the cameras will be there. We’ll see if Kmarko makes it or if he has another made up holiday to attend aka an excuse to brush off the squad to get drunk.
4) Pro Football Talk Commenter
Overtime JNCOs might be the most genius idea PFT has ever had. Like, how else do you give your team, who definitely does not have a history of losing games, that little bit of motivation they need? You put on some JNCOs, aka the clutch jeans. You can already see it….
…what can possibly go wrong?
But one more thing about the JNCOs, Handsome Henry has gotten two tattoos in the last 2 weeks, including one of a dead fish, and even he was taken aback
H8ers gonna h8, god damn millennials.
PFT continued his hot streak today, when he put the office on his back and started looking out for the squad in a way he only knows how:
Every office needs someone to make sure the team has that fresh piss. Can’t be squirting out any jalapeno colored urine before hitting up the local karaoke bars. So did I literally take a picture of the toilet 5 minutes ago and send it to PFT so he can monitor how I’m doing with my hydration levels?
Good thing I drink like 8 bottles of water a day, so you best believe he’s going to give me a gold star on the piss chart. You know who else gave out gold stars…..?
Ernie and Bert. Elvis and Costello. Francis and Donnie. These two sumbitches are making some of the most absurd videos we’ve seen in quite some time. Just talking about getting their airplanes wacked by Asians, drinking what has to be considered poison, and who could forget the Saturday Sitdown where they dropped 100 n-bombs
These two maniacs are a match made in deviant heaven.
Donnie also went and lived everyone’s middle school dream, and played Slamball
China is one weird place. Really fucking weird.
2) Spring Break Boys
The Vacation Boys do it AGAIN. I feel they’ve made the top 5 of every power rankings. Sometimes they’re the Times Square Guys, sometimes they’re the Vacation Boys, and this week they take the number 2 slot as the Spring Break Boys. Straight off their visit to the Masters, Riggs and Trent took the streets of NYC to play golf the right way—shirtless in their boxers.
And as usual, the golf media loved it
It’s almost as if talking about golf in a fun way instead of making it seem like it’s a hoity toity, buttoned up game for old fogies was a good idea.
Also shouts to Trent for his amazing tan
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1) Barstool ‘Merica
I mean, what else could it possibly be number 1 this week besides Barstool ‘Merica? It’s not every day that Barstool Sports totally rebrands an entity and it gets a 100% positive feedback rate and absolutely zero negative reactions. I mean, who doesn’t love the extremely non-racial connotations saying “‘Merica” brings? Much like when Caleb was known as “Daddy Dixie”, I can’t possibly see anyone think Barstool ‘Merica is a bad, outdated name. Hopefully they don’t rebrand it to something like Barstool Heartland, that wouldn’t make a lick of sense at all.
But on the real, the Merica Boys were in the office all week and they are a great group of folks. They were in meetings all week, learning how to do a ton of smart people stuff and it seems they left with a shit ton of focus and and direction. Can’t wait to see what they start churning out once their office and studio space is complete. Just no more psychopath interns, please.
Also while he was here, Pat sat down with Chaps and recorded an A+ podcast. Have a listen to Chapsy on Pat’s show, it’s riveting stuff
Now, before I get to the Needs Improvement section of this blog, we need to refresh our memories of the Riggs vs Lindsey Pelas fight from Tuesday. You see, it all started when Instagram model/woman who definitely does not have sex for money Lindsey Pelas said she will call the police if anyone offers to buy her. So our boy Riggs did the only sensible thing….
…and offered to buy her for 300 bucks. Great deal!
And thus started an internet fight between a Harvard graduate and a…girl with really big tits. Wanna guess who won?
All Pelas had to do after her initial zing was stop Tweeting and just be cool, but she came down with a case of the Twitter fingers, started talking about white privilege, and would you believe it, came out of it looking dumb as hell. Chalk up the win to Harvard Riggs, it’s about time someone from there picked up a W.
White Knight Glenny Balls
Oh look, it’s Glenny Balls riding in on his steed, here to swoop up Lindsey Pelas and treat her like a lady. FOH, Glenny. This is like the guy at the strip club who goes “no I swear, she really likes me”. Glenny, in that moment, legit thought he was going to fuck Lindsey Pelas.
Even went as far as to make fun of his eyes, smdh
This is a big turning point in the life of Yung Balls. He’s either ftb or not. Bros before hoes, or not. I hope he learned his lesson, because we can’t have people on the squad straying from the goal. It’s all for one and one for all, cannot be betrayed by a Glenny Ball.
So what do you do when you encounter someone taller than you who wants a picture? Just own up to the fact you’re 5’7 and take it in stride?
Dude took out a block to stand on. Absolutely hilarious move, but it’s not like the picture was taken from the waist up to hide it, the block is in plain sight. Now it just looks like he’s the kid who brings his booster seat to the Thanksgiving table. Very funny though.
Spider Monkey KNarko from the clouds! Straight up putting the entire 2nd floor on blast today, because well, nobody was here. Finance Resnick was here, Big Data was here, and Asian Steve was here. Besides that, it was a ghost town up in that bitch. I don’t really get it, but I’m told sometimes you gotta travel for “Easter” to see “your family” who “loves you”. Very convenient excuse, 2nd floor. Very convenient indeed.
Bad Bitch Of The Week
This bad bitch went to Orlando and stood in line for 18 hours to see a movie trailer that was put on the internet legit 5 minutes later. Wild dedication to Star Wars.
Seems like it was worth it though
Sobbing! I wish I knew what it was like to care about literally anything that much. Besides the Caps winning the Cup (#OurYear), I can’t think of one thing.
As always, Pete put it in perspective
PMT Guest of the Week
Mrs. P was an absolute factory of lights during her debut appearance on Pardon My Take this morning. Much like her husband, Mrs. Portnoy was incredible on the podcast. Today was the first time we heard from the woman who raised Dave, and she did not disappoint. Just rattling off a list of complaints about her husband had me in tears. And the things she claimed Mr. Portnoy does sounds so much like things that Pres would do, it’s uncanny.
Office Guest Of The Week
The Stanley Cup itself came in this week and needless to say, I was very nervous to be around it. As the superstition goes, you can’t touch it until you win it. And like most die hard hockey fans, I count myself into that equation. I was scared to even look at it, nevermind touch it. But the guy who brought it in was very humble and nice and didn’t mind people touching it, and boy did they ever:
Am I triggered by Kevin KISSING it? Maybe a little. But I’ll have my day in the sun. I know I will. One day. One day…..
Dumbest Argument of the Week
I didn’t really need to put this in here, but let’s have it on Power Rankings record, if you think Ashton is comparable to Pitt in his prime, please don’t procreate.
Newest Barstool Employee Of The Week
This should be…something. I promise you this isn’t a bit. Frank The Tank just has free reign to blog whatever he wants on Barstool Sports. Nobody has any idea how this is going to work, what will happen, or anything, really. It’s literally “ok Frank the Tank, start writing words on a huge platform at 3am”. What a world.
And finally, if you don’t already, please follow KMarko on Twitter because he’s very close to 100,000 followers and all he talks about all day every day is how his life is devoid of meaning because he doesn’t have 100,000 followers.
He’s always like “I put so much of my self-worth into what people Tweet, I need 100k so badly”. So throw the guy a bone if you would and hit him with a follow.
And that about does it for this week’s Power Rankings. Subscribe to all the podcasts, follow all the homies on Twitter, and keep fighting the good fight. Be kind to each other out there, and happy Easter to everyone who is about that chocolate bunny lyfe.