Barstool Idol Anonymous Blog #5 – The Five Pictures in Every Girl’s Dating Profile
Editor’s Note – Today the 5 remaining Barstool Idol contestants are getting back to the roots of the site and blogging. Each contestant has written a blog which I am merely formatting, not editing or changing in any other way. At the bottom of each blog you can rate it on a 1-10 scale. Barstool Sports started as a blog, so let’s see what the guys got.
In recent years, we’ve seen a proliferation of dating apps on the coattails (or condom wrappers) of Tinder. Apps like Hinge, Bumble, the League, and other shitty ones have sprung up to grab a piece of market-share ass, but they’re all pretty much the same.
I’m not here to rank the apps; I’m just here to talk about some of the trends I’ve noticed, specifically in regard to the photo lineups that girls choose for their profiles. We all know that the photos are the biggest deciding factor on whether we swipe left or right. Your job, where you live, height, religion, and that stupid little sentence you wrote that you think is playful and inviting… these are all just garnishes; the real meal lies in your picture lineup. So, without further ado, here are the 5 most commonly-seen female photos on dating apps:
1) Me with my ugly friend(s)
Also known as “Illusion Theory,” from Hall Pass. This is where a girl posts a photo of herself next to one or more of her uglier friends. By contrast, she looks great, because she’s standing among a herd of Cincinnati Bengals. It’s a cold, calculated, and cunning move that shows that many girls have no problem throwing their friends under the bus if it makes them look better. If your ugly mug turns me from a 5 to an 8, I’ll post that shit every day of the week and twice on Sundays. Survival of the prettiest, ladies!
2) Me in a bikini
This one might be the most universal. At this point, if you don’t have a picture of yourself in a bikini, it’s a red-flag. If you’re wearing winter jackets in all your pictures, I’ll be left to make my own assumptions. Born and raised in Siberia? Mauled by a tiger as a child? Hiding those C-section scars from kid number 3? Next please.
The bikini pics are so prevalent that we can actually place them into their own sub-categories. Here are a few examples:
- Bikini Yoga
- Facing the sunset so you can see my butt
- Bikini on a boat
- Laughing with uglier friends in bikinis (see #1 above)
Of course, this bikini pic is meant to be a candid shot. “What? I didn’t know you were taking a picture! I’m not prepared!” Translation: “I’m on day 300 of my juice cleanse and I’ve been exhaling for the last 45 minutes? Ugh, you caught me Jillian. Now get in here and look fat next to me since you’re on your period.” Again, I’m not complaining here, just saying there’s a trend.
3) Me drinking
Oh, look at you, you cute little budding alcoholic! Aren’t you just a hot mess! Look, everybody drinks. I know only one or two people alive who refuse to touch a drop of alcohol, and they don’t broadcast their abstinence because they know we’d hate them for it. Having said that, you know what’s more annoying than non-drinkers preaching about how they don’t drink? DRINKERS broadcasting about their drinking.
In the unlikely event that we link on an app, have a compelling conversation, and actually make it out on a date, I’m going to assume you drink because we’re probably “going out for drinks.” You don’t need to CLARIFY beforehand that you’re on board with booze through your pictures.
PS- if you don’t drink, don’t talk to me. I can’t handle that kinda judgment in my life right now.
4) Me in a photobooth
I don’t even know when this started, but I know I’m tired of seeing these stupid pictures. I guess you find these things at weddings and other places where basic bitches hang out? It’s meant to give the impression that “hey, I’m goofy! I can let my hair down! Keep me away from the Sauvignon Blanc!” Girls. These pictures are stupid. Fucking stupid. Stop.
5) Me the time I got professional photos taken
This one screams “I suffer from a total lack of self-awareness.” Look, I get that aspiring actors/models have to get headshots done. However, using one of your perfectly-airbrushed headshots in your dating app profile is just ridiculous. Because unless you show up on our date with a makeup artist, a lighting team, and a photoshop wizard, you won’t be looking like this picture.
If you’ve got a headshot/professional photo in your lineup, chances are you’re in fashion, are an aspiring “model,” (a promoter takes you to Avenue on Tuesdays but you haven’t had an actual job since the lemonade stand in ’94), or are currently starring as an understudy in an off-off-Broadway revival of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, the Musical! in some shitbox theatre in Bushwick. Either way, you’re limiting your options. Nobody wants to date an actress unless they’re already famous. You want me to run lines with you? How about I snort a few lines then take a bath with my toaster? It’d probably give you something REAL to draw upon in class tomorrow.