Barstool Idol Anonymous Blog #3 – The Purge: Barstool Edition
Editor’s Note – Today the 5 remaining Barstool Idol contestants are getting back to the roots of the site and blogging. Each contestant has written a blog which I am merely formatting, not editing or changing in any other way. At the bottom of each blog you can rate it on a 1-10 scale. Barstool Sports started as a blog, so let’s see what the guys got.
Blog 2 can be seen and voted on here
So here’s a hypothetical for ya. Take every barstool employee, bring them to HQ, and starting at sundown we commence the Purge. Both floors are in play and everything is legal, who comes out alive?
Right off the bat I think there are several employees that don’t make it 15 minutes, basically the entire left side of the office. So now that half the office is done the real fun starts. Nate goes right after Dave who is barricaded in his office but Frankie (Dave’s right hand man) delivers a knife to the back of Nate’s head and he is down for the count (Frankie retreats back to Dave’s office and awaited further orders) the PMT boys head right for the podcast room and go right into a show.. best one yet. Smitty is in his corner fending off Brett and Sales Guy, he pulls a hockey stick out of no where and smacks a clapper for the ages taking Brett’s head right off. (Sales Guy immediately runs). Luckily for Clem he didn’t come in today, so he is safe at home watching a great movie. Tex and I are bare knuckle boxing on the bar until we realize it’s a never ending battle. Tex jumps off of the bar onto sales guy and snaps his neck. (Truly savage stuff) I realize Tex and I would make a great team so we run downstairs to build a fortress only to find Caleb and Rone doing a b-boy stance with no one watching. Tex chokes out Caleb with his own hair and I deliver a left hook that sends Rone back in time. Tex finally realizes this is his chance, this is his time to shine. He grabs a bat and delivers a swing smoother than Robbie Cano and Barry Bonds combined right to my dome. (I am no more) Tex finally wins. Back upstairs the KFC radio team is trying to break in on pmt during their show. Big Cat is having none of that, he sends his loyal but somewhat unathletic producer Hank to clean up the mess outside the door, he immediately b-lines it to Larry the gold fish, takes him out of the tank and whips him at the window (ripinpeace). Now it’s a showdown, Big Cat and PFT vs. KFC, Feitelburg and Asa. Big Cat and KFC square off, a battle of the podcasting kings. Big Cat off the table, flying pancake right on top of KFC and all that’s left is his shoes sticking out from under Cat like the Wicked Witch of the west after she gets crushed by the house. Feitleburg runs at PFT but he trips on a mic cord right into a boot, a kick so fierce Messi was worried about playing time, Feitleburg was no more. Big Cat gets up only to see Glennyballs running around the office oiled up again, no one can grab him, he trucks poor Ria over. She stood no chance, another life gone. Glenny continues to run around the office until out of no where Smitty cracks a bottle of oak heart over his head, he’s out cold.
Here’s the halfway point recap: Dave and Frankie are safe in the office, Big Cat and PFT are searching for Hank who is no where to be found, Tex is downstairs contemplating his next move, and Smitty is behind the bar, we haven’t seen Asa in awhile.
Deaths: Nate, Brett, Sales Guy, KFC, Feitleburg, Larry the goldfish, Glenny, Ria, Rone, Caleb, Me
Second half: Dave and Frankie are starting to get hungry, Frankie suggests Sabarro.. Dave grabs a pen and stabs Frankie in the neck. ( down goes Frankie). we finally find Asa, Hank had grabbed her to explore his sexual demons. Long story short she butt fucks Hank to death. The PMT boys roll in on this and Big Cat with the pancake dive again, another one bites the dust. Dave doesn’t hear anything for awhile so he peaks his head out the door, bad move Smitty was waiting and flying knees Dave back to Boston. A couple hours of nothingness, the office is quiet, moves need to be made so PFT in a play more shocking then when Randy Orton RKO’d Stacy Keebler unloads a stool into the back of Bic Cats head. Down goes the king.
3 left: PFT, Tex, and Smitty 30 minutes till sun up. They all meet at the bar, agree for a truce and sit down for a drink. 1 minute to go PFT walks to the bathroom next thing you know he charges Tex with the exit interview wheel and beats him to the ground with it. Smitty falls off his stool, PFT raises wheel above a defenseless Smitty, about the give the final blow the horn blasts, the sun is up, the Purge is over. Smitty and PFT are the only survivors.
Embrace debate. What would you have different? Would PFT really turn on Big Cat? Does Hank really like Butt stuff?