The Best Police Blotter Incidents From T-Box 2014 In Wrigleyville, With Bonus Videos

 

 

 

T-Box and Pride Fest, the two yearly events that turn Wrigleyville into a debaucherous outdoor drunk tank, which is not unlike most days in Wrigleyville but those days at least have a theme. To the scanner! (h/t CWB Chicago for the notes you can read any I skipped over at their site)

 

 

12:17PM —Outside of Stretch Bar & Grill, the first person has been cited for drinking on the public way.

 

Not particularly noteworthy, other than it’s the first citation of the day. That has to mean something right? Like the politician cutting the ribbon with a giant pair of scissors, or a franchise owner sticking a golden shovel into a patch of frozen ground, well done man, you’ve broke ground!


12:38PM —  The first ambulance is summoned to TBOX on behalf of a “half-passed out” drunk woman in the alley behind Moe’s Cantina.

 

“OMG I LUVVVVVVV FIREBALLLL!!!!!! I COULD DRINK THIS STUFF 4EVERRRRRR”

-This girl 3 hours prior

 

12:47PM — On the Einstein Bagels parking lot, security sees a man testing door handles. Description: Male, black, 5’10” tall, 30 years old, wearing a brown puffy coat and goggles.

 

Hate how the police discriminate against people who wear goggles. Sick of it.

 

1:26PM — A woman wearing a Santa hat, red sweater, and jeans is urinating under the L tracks at Sheffield and Roscoe “right next to the porta-potties.” In the spirit of the holidays, a man is urinating next to her.

 

Urinating in public should be legal on T-Box Saturday. There should be a temporary law where everyone can piss wherever they want. It makes logistical sense. If you walk north of Belmont you may see a guy’s dick or a chick squatting under the L tracks, don’t like it? Stay at home. Pretty simple.

 

See? Kind of cool actually.

1:39PM — “A man’s down and he keeps passing out” at Belmont and Seminary.

 

“Keeps passing out” means he also “keeps waking up”. All about how you frame these things.  “Man keeps waking up and breathing normally at Belmont and Seminary”. See, much better right? No need for backup.

 

1:41PM — Two white guys “wearing sweaters and costumes” are fist fighting inside Einstein Bagels.

 

I just envision bagels and cream cheese flying everywhere. Like an angry Jewish wedding or something. Get em Moshe!

 

1:43PM — Fire Department reports that the man down at Belmont and Seminary is now lying in traffic. He’s wearing a “bright red, fancy Santa suit.”

 

Alright, maybe I was wrong about that “keeps passing out” guy, might need some backup.

 

2:33PM — Elmhurst police are calling. They say a 22-year-old woman is TBOX-ing at Sluggers and she just texted her boyfriend to say she’s feeling suicidal. 

 

“Text me back or I’m gunna kill myself Johnnnnnny!!!!!!!”

 

3:54PM — Need an ambulance outside of Cubby Bear. There’s a man down and he’s bleeding from the head.

 

Just set up a Triage center outside of Cubby Bear. Not joking, we could even make a reality TV show out of it. MASH Wrigleyville.

 

 

 4:42PM — At Dark Horse bar, a drunk caller wants the police because the bouncer won’t let her back in.

 

“My friends are in there! Let me in, my friend are in there!”

*Bangs on window while bouncer gently pushes her backwards*

“MELISSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAA!!!! This douchebag bouncer won’t let me INNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

*Turns to bouncer*

“DONT TOUCH ME, that’s assault and my dad is a LAWYER!”


6:19PM — “Male white wearing a white bird costume has passed out on the hood of a car,” 3524 Halsted.

 

By 6 pm that’s just a solid bed option as far as I’m concerned.

 

6:20PM — Officer confirms: “I believe an ambulance is warranted. Drunk male. Dressed as a bird. Passed out on the hood of a vehicle.” Birdman gets hospitalized.

 

Shit, nevermind.

 

7:38PM — Bar detains a customer for trying to steal a bottle of liquor. It’s not clear which bar is involved. The caller says it’s Casey Moran’s, but the address given is of Deuces and The Diamond Club.

 

Deuces and Diamonds for sure. Casey Moran’s and the bouncers don’t call the cops.

 

9:28PM — We got a 45-year-old woman who can’t walk. Fremont and Waveland.

 

Hell Yeah! Age is just a number!

 

NUNCHUCKS!

 

9:35PM — A resident in the 3300 block of Clark reports an unknown drunk man on her fire escape. He’s wearing a red holiday sweater.

 

Described about 10,000 guys on Saturday.

 

11:07PM — At Sluggers, Megan says a tall white guy with dark hair and dark eyes has been “aggressive to the females.” He was put in a chokehold in the stairwell. She’s upset and just wants the police to know that.

 

Thank god Whitesoxdave is short.

 

2:21AM — An officer who has had it up to HERE with drunks in holiday gear: “We need ANOTHER ambulance for ANOTHER drunk female. HIGHLY intoxicated. Clark and Eddy, PLEASE.”

 

Props to the Police and firefighters, I don’t know how they have the patience on days like Saturday.