Barstool Sports

Statesville - With great love and apologies to my husband Mike — who suffered a mild heart attack last week (and is recovering wonderfully) — I would like to offer the following list of things not to do if you think you’re having a heart attack.

1. If you are having pain and pressure on the left side of your chest that extends down your left arm and it is the middle of the night, do not get up, eat a snack, then go back to bed and try to “sleep it off.”

2. If, when you wake up, you are still experiencing the same symptoms, do not walk your children five blocks to school, then walk back home.

3. If the pain and pressure continue, do not drive yourself to work in the hopes that it will go away if you just focus on something else.   

4. When you realize that is not working, do not drive yourself back home, and then suggest to your wife (who knows nothing about any of this) that you might go get some chest pains checked out at the emergency room in “a little while.”

5. When you arrive at the emergency room seven minutes later, do not assure the nurses, doctors and anyone else within hearing distance that you are sure it’s nothing, and that you should probably just go home now. On a related note: do not be so steadfast in your attempts to underplay what is happening that the doctor refers to you as “Captain Vague.”

You know what the best part of this is? Point #4, where Dr. Quinn here admits she has literally no idea what the fuck she’s talking about.  That she’s just spouting off at the mouth like a fire hose in Birmingham because she’s a woman who wasn’t in control of something. It’s like those old Holiday Inn Express commercials. “Oh no, I’m not a doctor, I’m just a nagging wife who wants to subtly make fun of my husband and make him feel bad because he had a heart attack and didn’t tell me.” That’s this chick. Unable to handle the fact that her husband Mike just kicked the shit out of his chest pains and she doesn’t get any of the credit.

Hey lady, here’s my list of things to do if and when Mike has another heart attack while listening to you drone on and on at wine and cheese parties about your stupid kids and your stupid minivan and your stupid life:

1) Put on some re-runs of “The Office” on Netflix.

2) Be quiet.

3) Make him a sandwich.

4) Suck his dick.

And that’s it. No medical advice. No lists of things he should’ve done. Just a little guideline for you to follow so your husband can recover and be back to full health before going back to his living hell married to you. You’re welcome.