Barstool Sports

The oldest rivalry in the book…and if you think that NFL network commercial guy is funny you’re fucking high…is back for an early season matchup with lots of implications.

Last Game in a Sentance: Firepower, and lots of it, made Andrew Luck and the Colts look like my little pony as the Bears cruise to their first victory of the year.

What we learned last week: What didn’t we learn last week? After 4 boring ass preseason games, the varsity team finally hit the field and proceeded to make the Colts their bitch on both sides of the ball. The offense looked spectacular with Brandon Marshall announcing his arrival with 119 yards receiving and a TD. Cutler played as well as any non-retarded Bears fan knows he can.The running game had Forte pounding the ball downfield and Michael Bush picking up the change for a pair of TDs and Alshon Jeffrey making a great case for why he should be the number 2 receiver. Need I say more? I can’t remember the last time I had this many positive things to say about a Bears skill set on offense.

The defense looked like they were playing against a rookie QB making his first start in the NFL and there is nothing wrong with that. Urlacher looked like he could have used a few preseason snaps to tune up while Tim Jennings was asking Andrew Luck how his dick tasted all game with a pair of interceptions. The defense kept mostly everything in front of them and did not give up a play over 30 yards all game that is a wonderful “Welcome and Fuck You” to the Colts and the idiots who claim the Bears will finish behind the Lions this year for the D.

What to look forward to: Before you jabronis begin writing your thesis about why I should be castrated , I realize that the Colts are not the Packers. I am aware of who plays QB for both teams and I’m aware of the differences in their personnel. Although a shoot-out doesn’t necessarily favor the Bears, they certainly have the players to pull it off. I nearly came myself when I watched the time that Jay was getting on some of his down field looks from the O-line and if that becomes a trend, this team can shoot out with anybody. I don’t know if you can expect the yardage from Marshall and Jeffery again, but a touchdown each would not be ridiculous to expect at all. Frank Gore bent the Pack’s front 7 over and moonwalked his way to a enormous game and Forte has the ability to do the same even if he gets his TDs taken away by Bush.

With Urlacher listed as probable and Peanut listed as questionable, the defense might have their hands full. Solid play kept the Colts at bay last week but the defense will have to go to the “have-to” tomorrow. (If you don’t get that reference, get the fuck out) Rodgers still threw for 300 yards and 2 TDs in a loss but there’s still time for Boyz II Men to break his kneecaps for being a douche so I’m not expecting anything out of him just yet. I think this game will be decided by which defense makes the big stop. If Peppers can get a strip or if Chris Conte can bring more glory to the white safety position, it could change and maybe even win the game.

Last Call: Last call is what you should be hearing right before you watch whitesox Dave getting tossed out of State tonight for trying to sneak some underagers in from McGees because anyone that is not on house arrest should be out to celebrate the launch of the Stool. This game will come down to a few key plays, most likely on the defensive side of the ball, and will be a great early test to see whats really under the hood this year.

Live tweet me during the game: @chistoolspataro

P.S. – I was flawless last week and I almost hit the score perfectly before it got into garbage time. Just sayin.

Line: Packers -6: Bears O/U 49: Over, Bears Win 27-24