8. The Parasaurolophus flock - The what? Exactly. This group of Parasaurolophuses is only briefly glimpsed inJurassic Park, when Alan Grant stares across a vast distance at them and murmurs, “They do move in herds.” So do ants. So do lemmings. The point is, Parasaurolophuses, if you’re not making Laura Dern scream like a banshee, we don’t really care about your four-second cameo. Talk to your agents.
7. The Brachiosaurus - The first dinosaur fully glimpsed in Jurassic Park, the brachiosaurus makes a literally staggering impression … and then, later on in the movie, one looks kinda fake and sneezes on Lex. It’s a wash. (Points for inspiring the essential wordveggiesaurus, however.)
6. The Baby Dinosaur - Yes, this is technically a raptor, but we’re grouping it separately from that breed because LOOK AT THAT FACE! Look how cute! And so full of promise, too: Whether it wants to play mind games with human prey or simply perch on Daenerys’s nude shoulder in Game of Thrones, there’s nothing this lil’ pup can’t grow up to do.
5. The Gallimimus - The Gallimimus stampede is a pretty terrific sequence in Jurassic Park, and we are automatically fond of any animal that looks like a dainty butler ostrich. If only they’d gotten more screen time, though. Where are they running to? What are they going to do once they get there? Is this some sort of Wal-Mart Black Friday stampede? So many questions.
4. The Dilophosaurus - Basically, we have here the plot of Gremlins in a nutshell: Cute, trilling animal gets wet, grows ugly frills, and wreaks havoc. It will not play fetch, but it will spit on Dennis Nedry like he’s Justin Bieber’s aggrieved neighbor. Kudos, Dilophosaurus. You make top four.
3. The Sick Triceratops - It’s one thing to be chased after by computer-generated dinosaurs, and quite another for practical-effects wizard Stan Winston to create a functional, breathing trike that Sam Neill can basically spoon with. The sick trike fulfills a valuable function: You feel like you could reach out and touch it, and its weighty presence helps convince us that the other dinosaurs in the movie are made of more than just ones and zeros.
2. The T. Rex - An upset! Yes, the T. rex is the undisputed heavyweight of Jurassic Park, and that iconic tyrannosaur attack scene has lost none of its power in the last twenty years, but if you start to think about it, you’ll understand why Rexy only makes it to No. 2. You’ve got to eat more than just the lawyer if you want to come out on top, dude.
1. The Velociraptors - And so it must be that the raptors take their spot on the top of the list. Not only are they responsible for most of the film’s major casualties (picking off Samuel L. Jackson, the game warden, and the InGen employee at the beginning of the movie), but they power the entire third act as they stalk Tim and Lex through the kitchen and beyond. You can fool a T. rex by waving a flare or standing stock-still, but if you want to fool a raptor, you’re going to have to pull some next-level shit involving reflective surfaces in the kitchen, because these buggers are smart. (Give them a half-hour and they’d be able to hack a UNIX system, too, Lex.)
So some idiot on the Internet came up with the idea of power ranking the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. Now obviously that’s kind of a stupid idea because everyone knows T-Rex and Velociraptor are 1-2 and everything else is kinda gay. But I will read and indulge anything Jurassic Park related from now until forever because fact is it’s the greatest movie ever made by a mile.
Anyway I start reading this thing, enjoying the trip down memory lane and then I get to this loser’s #3 pick. The Sick Triceratops. What? That keeled over useless asshole that shit out K2 because it ate some bad berries or whatever the fuck? That’s your #3 pick for best dinosaur in Jurassic Park? Give me a fucking break. That triceratops absolutely sucked. Most worthless creature on that entire island aside from Lex the Granddaughter. The should have carved that thing up and served Triceratop steaks for dinner that night and feasted like Kings.
But since that idiot fucked up the list I figured I’d correct his mistakes for him and re-order it correctly since he got absolutely nothing right. Keep in mind this is just the first movie. The Jurassic Park Dinosaur Power Rankings:
Tim crushed this scene. “The uh, Ga, uh, Galli, um, the… Gallimimus!” Fuck yeah Tim! Way to take your sweet ass time bro. Not like they’re stampeding towards us at 75 MPH running away from the fiercest creature that’s ever existed. Dr. Grant should thank his lucky stars smart phones didn’t exist back then because fucking Tim would have been Googling on his iPhone trying to look up the Latin pronunciation like a tool while T-Rex was eating someone’s face off their skull.
Bottom line this is just a cool ass dinosaur. Like the giraffe of the Jurassic era. Peaceful, keeps to himself, doesn’t try to eat people like a prick. Just a gentle giant chilling in the sun all day loving life. Anybody who doesn’t like Brachiosaurus is a dick.
3. The thing that killed Newman
Newman sucked so hard in this movie. Just a complete fucking idiot. Dicking around setting up viruses, pissing off Samuel L. Jackson, deactivating the electric security system so he could try and sell off DNA like it’s no big deal. Like dude what the fuck is wrong with you? Who sells dinosaur embryo’s? They’re dinosaurs you moron. There’s about a million ways that’s going to backfire on you. Including a Dilophosaurus sneezing goo all over your face and eating the shit out of you because you don’t know how to drive safely in the rain.
Raptor’s are far and away the coolest animals that ever existed. If the animal kingdom was a high school raptors would be wearing letter jackets and fucking anything it wanted to. But bottom line is for such a know-it-all animal that’s always bragging about how smart it is, in a 2-on-2 battle in a kitchen between some useless, annoying chick and fucking Tim the raptors lost at their own game. They were outgunned and out-manned. Lost a lot of respect when they didn’t tear those kids into jerky and then go eat their green jello to wash it down.
Almost as bad as putting that diseased rhino in 3rd is this guy not putting T-Rex number one. T-Rex is always number one. Always. Like there was a final showdown at the end of the movie and T-Rex just curb stomped the shit of the Velociraptor. Beat it’s brains to a bloody pulp. And it ended up being the hero of the whole film. The good guy. Number one animal of all-time.
Last Fucking Place – The Sick Triceratops
Last place bro. Not third place. Last place. Worst dinosaur ever. Just look at that thing. I can’t tell if it’s sick or if it just overdosed on fucking heroin. Sick Triceratops is the type of guy that comes over to your house and eats all your food, drinks all your booze, leaves a double-decker in your toilet and passes out by 9 pm. Just a flat out loser all the way around.