Chicago - Authorities are now linking a Loop bank robbery Monday to the Stringer Bell Bandit — a man who allegedly robbed six other banks in seven attempts since October. The bandit — named after a character from the TV series The Wire — allegedly robbed the Citibank branch at 111 W. Jackson Blvd. about 1 p.m., according to the FBI’s Bandit Tracker website. He allegedly passed a note to the teller demanding cash, then ran northbound on Clark Street, police News Affairs Officer Veejay Zala said. No weapon was displayed. The Stringer Bell bandit allegedly struck the same bank Nov. 13, according to the FBI. That same day, he attempted a bank robbery at a Chase branch at 2 N. LaSalle St. but, for an unknown reason, fled without any cash.
Hate to turn into a Wire nerd here but I can’t take this shit. It’s an abomination to sully Stringer Bell’s name like this. First of all Stringer Bell isn’t some stick-up boy working corners or pulling jobs at fucking Citi and Chase Bank. Dude operates criminal conspiracies out of black SUV’s and the Executive Inn conference room. Dude’s a mover and shaker, not some dork wearing a two-toned winter hat.
Second, that is clearly a closer resemblance to Avon Barksdale than String. I mean it’s basically a dead ringer for Avon. Not sure how the CPD messed that up considering the two guys were best fucking friends and partners on the show. That’d be like asking which guy in the Houston Rockets back-court looked like Jet Li and answering James Harden instead of Jeremy Lin. Just inexcusable to confuse the two.
Anyway this sparked a very important question. Who are the top 5 characters in the history of The Wire? A while back Grantland tried to do this with a 64 person bracket but that’s just a fucking stupid idea because you end up having guys like Chris and Cutty going against each other in the first round when both are arguably better than 75% of the other characters on the show. Also everybody knew Omar was going to win from the get-go. So here’s a list, excluding Omar since he’s most people’s pick, of The Wire’s top 5:
5 – Chris Partlow
Arguably the most ruthless guy on the show and one of the most violent guys in TV history. Had zero compassion for anybody or anything. Summed up the violence of the show better than anyone. Just wanted to kill motherfuckers for Marlo day and night and didn’t care about much else. Also might be the darkest human being that’s ever existed, literally and figuratively. If Dexter Morgan was black, lived in Baltimore, and decided he wanted to act as muscle for criminal organizations, he’d be Chris Partlow.
4 – Herc –
Herc might be the best police officer in TV history. Not the best in that he wanted justice or always got the bad guy or could crack cases wide open. I mean I’m not even sure the guy can read. Just the best in that he wanted to run around like a dog without a leash and smash skulls all day long. Literally the only thing he cared about was crushing people in the face and getting patted on the head for it.
3 – Stringer Bell -
Easily the best acted role on the show. Easily. Not to mention the most complex character. String had so many layers and interests and ambitions it eventually caught up to him and served as his downfall. For my money had more classic scenes and moments than pretty much anyone else on the show, the only exception possibly being Omar or Bunk.
2 – Bodie Braudus–
I’m 24 years old and I still try to spit through my two middle teeth like Bodie. Kid was tough as nails but easy to sympathize with. One of the more underrated funny moments in the show’s history was him not realizing that different cities had their own radio stations. Like it straight up blew his mind. Dude was basically to Baltimore what Charlie from Always Sunny was to Philly except instead of being a goofy guy who helped run a bar he sold crack cocaine and murdered his best friend.
1 – McNulty -
Forget fucking Omar, McNulty was the bread and butter of The Wire. An Irish booze hound that was better than any detective in Baltimore that cared equally about getting rocked off a pint of Jameson as he did solving murders. Guy fucking created a serial killer on a bender and then went along with it after he sobered up because he was that much of a fucking lunatic. Messed around with strippers during a sting operation because he didn’t want to blow his cover. The ultimate anti-hero.
Honorable Mention: Bunk Moreland
Didn’t feel right leaving him off but with McNulty at the top it felt redundant. But Bunk was an animal too. Could go shot for shot with Jimmy all night long and actually cared about doing good work instead of being corrupt like everybody else in the department.
Bonus Worst Character Ever:
“Dukie” Weems -
Hey idiot take a fucking shower you loser. No wonder everyone calls you Dookie. You smell like fucking shit bro. And quit going to Mr. Pryzbylewski for help with school and shit if you’re just gonna turn around and try to join the cool kids. Fucking pick a side and stick to it you joke.