London – London’s Paralympic Games kicked off last night with a triumphant celebration of humankind’s ability to overcome seemingly impossible odds, in a ceremony aiming to alter the world’s perception of disability. The renowned physicist Stephen Hawking – a man who has never let his immobility hold him back – took centre stage to lead spectators on a “voyage through time” highlighting major scientific discoveries as well as the long and often arduous fight for equality by disabled activists and athletes. His arrival was a remarkable entrance for a man more used to the hallways of academia. But there was little doubt he was the star of the show. Using a pre-recorded voice he told the world: “Look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see. Be curious.”
Jesus Christ Hawking, can you just shut the fuck up about the Universe for one goddamn second? We get it dude, you think the stars are the cat’s pajamas. It gets your your dick hard to think about UFO’s and whatever. I’d probably be the same way too if my head was permanently stuck staring up at the sky. But do you really think you’re going to inspire the next generation of great scientists at the Paralympic games? Can’t you just appreciate the spectacle happening right in front of your very eyes? I mean, there’s 80,000 retards zooming around on wheelchairs in London right now, flying out of the sky on grappling hooks and shit and you won’t shut your jelly mouth up about the space time continuum like you’re Daniel Faraday from LOST or something. Get it together bro.
PS – How can they possibly judge what a level playing field is for the Paralympics? Everyone’s got different deformities going on, just seems impossible to make a fair fight.