I don’t know if you guys realize this but Nic and I are actually really close friends*. So when I see him looking like this I get concerned. Like why was he outside a liquor store at 9 am with some schmo-hawk? Why was he sitting in coach next to a ginger sporting a Portnoy nose? Is Nic crying out for help? Does he need a friend to hang out? A shoulder to cry on? A bro to rap with? Honestly, don’t anyone take offense to this or anything but sometimes I wish I was just a regular boring person like you guys, bereft of the responsibilities that come along with being friends with rich people like Nic Cage. It can get really exhausting. Probably won’t even sleep tonight just thinking about how sad it is that Nic Cage needs a friend and he has no way of getting my phone number. I know the word tragedy gets thrown around a lot these days but I really can’t think of a word that more aptly describes this situation.
*Nic Cage also doesn’t realize this… yet.