So yesterday I did starting 11 on Offense. Lets run this shit back. Starting Defense, Place at the table!
*Remember, no athletes, so everyone telling me I should have Holly Mangold on the team, stop. (Also, Artist Integrity, Maroney doesn’t count as an athlete. Her “sport” is once every 4 years, whatever)
Defensive Tackle -Adele
I was this close to running a 3-4 and having Adele be my Nose Tackle ala Vince Wilfork. Takes up blockers, immovable, can get up field, the works. Questions about her stamina though prevented me from doing this, you know, because she’s obese.
Defensive Tackle – Queen Latifah
Size, speed, Cellulite. These are the things I look for in my Defensive Tackle
Defensive End – Beyonce
I’m running a 4-3 with athletic ends to get pressure on the QB. Beyonce is my Julius Peppers. Freak of nature. Demands a double team. Also, every team needs a high priced diva right?
Defensive End – Nicki Minaj
Short? Yes. Big Ass? Also yes. But guess what, you just described Dwight Freeney. Also, I found a picture of her in pads to help convince you this pick makes sense. Lipstick on a Pig right there.
OLB – Sable
Show me one person in our age group that didn’t masturbate to Sable when she was on the cover of Playboy in 1999 and I will show you a liar. Probably my best athlete on the field.
MLB – Jessica Biel
Need a QB of the defense. She has smarts. She has end to end speed. Maybe not the toughest, but my other linebackers pick up the slack in that department
OLB – Pink
Think she officially has a penis. Kind of a no brainer?
CB – McKayla Maroney
When will you be EIGHTEEN?!?!?!?
CB – Lisa Left Eye Lopes (RIP)
Probably the best pick on the entire team. Yeah she’s dead but guess what, this is a hypothetical, so dead people count. Lisa will be my star Cornerback who gets caught with a gun, driving high, going 170 mph 2 days before the playoffs. We’ll still play her though. Maybe sit her for the first series to “Send a Message”
Free Safety – Madonna
Ball Hawking. Patrolling the entire field. Perfect Free Safety. Also like pink, 99% sure she has grown a penis.
Strong Safety – Lil Kim
Close your eyes. Imagine the perfect Free Safety absolutely Crushing the run. Blitzing from 20 yards deep and making bone crunching tackles. Open your eyes. It was Lil Kim wasn’t it? I knew it.
Kicker – Anne Hathaway
Everyone hates kicker. Everyone hates Anne Hathaway. Just look at her face. That’s a fucking kicker if Ive ever seen one.
Coach – Hillary
Absolute no brainer. Most disciplined team in the league. Also, Bill can get his fuck on in the locker room.
My gut says this will work out…