Guardian- The royal baby is to be delivered by a top medical team headed by the Queen’s gynaecologist Marcus Setchell, who delayed his retirement after being asked by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge to oversee the birth. Setchell, 69, was being assisted by Alan Farthing, 50, an expert in keyhole surgery who is gynaecologist to the royal household. Farthing first came to public prominence when his fiancee, the BBC journalist and Crimewatch presenter Jill Dando, 37, was shot dead on her doorstep in April 1999 in Fulham, west London. He has since married and is a father. Setchell, who has held the royal position for two decades, helped save the lives of Sophie, Countess of Wessex in 2003 when she was eight months pregnant, and her daughter Lady Louise. The countess was taken to hospital after complaining of severe internal pains.
The best part of this entire royal pregnancy has to be discovering there is a man in England who gets paid to look at the royal vaginas. My immediate thought was that it must be pretty cool being one of two people in the world who can tell you how Kate Middleton styles her other hair, but then I realized that she’s not the only person he has to take care of. Turns out there’s six other people that he has to attend to as part of his duties (technically seven but the other is about about 8 years old so I’m good on that but thanks anyway). I figure the only/easiest way to figure out if his job is actually worth it is to give each member a +/-1 based on what their genitals must look like. So without further ado:
Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton
Forget what I just said. Kate gets a +2.
Duchess of Cornwall Camilla Parker Bowles
Carpet definitely matches the drapes and the carpet is definitely shaggier than a 1970s bang van. -1.
48 years old. Whatever. +1.
Anne, Princess Royal
She either has Knockout Barstool protest levels of hygiene or doesn’t need a gynecologist in the first place. I’m just going to call this one a push.
You can have the best team of doctors in the world but it’s going to counter the effects of being 100 years old. Plus if you mess something up she can probably have you killed. -2 is a no brainer.
Princess Beatrice of York
Princess Eugenie of York
Probably the toughest decision out of everyone. Not overtly awful but lots of potential for a FUPA. But compared to the rest of them she has to be one of the only bright spots on Marcus Setchell’s calender. +1.
If I did my math right that’s a clean zero. Meaning it’s a job. So that was fucking useless. My bad everyone. I guess the only well to know for sure is to let our non-judgmental and rational readers chime in:
1 is no and 10 is yes for anyone who doesn’t know how this works