So Pres and KFC blogged this this morning, how the cat is now replacing the iron as a new Monopoly piece, but I felt like it needed a full break down. This is what Barstool is for. To guide you in important life decisions, like what piece you use when you get down on some Monopoly.
Before we get going though let me just say this. Yes that cat token sucks but lets cool it with the whole cats are the worst blah blah blah thing. Not all cats are the same just like not all dogs are the same. I don’t like shitzus just like I don’t like House Cats. They both stink. But I love labs and I think we can all agree that Big Cats are the most beautiful, funny, athletic animals on the planet.
To the Rankings. From Worst to First.
10. Thimble – If you use the thimble you’re an 80 year old woman trapped in a regular person’s body, or you’re actually an 80 year old woman. Or you actually use a thimble in your everyday life to sew, in which case you’re an 8 year old Chinese girl in a factory.
9. The Shoe – Totally forgot about the shoe when I first wrote this. That says all you need to know about the shoe. Also, I’m pretty sure that’s a homeless person’s shoe. Ever heard of a cobbler bro? Disgusting.
8. Wheelbarrow – Nothing says fun like Manual Labor! Leave this one for your one Mexican friend so he feels at home.
7. Iron (since discontinued for the Cat) – The Iron is usually reserved for the person that never plays Monopoly. They get stuck with the Iron because they don’t have a favorite piece and realize that the Wheelbarrow and Thimble are the pits. Not a good look to be this guy. UNLESS you repeatedly quote Marv from Home Alone 1 and tell everyone that you’ll “Smash their face with an iron”. Only way to redeem such a stupid piece.
6. Howitzer – Pretty sure this piece was discontinued. Also, I don’t think I’m legally allowed to talk about Howitzers on Barstool. Lets move on.
5. Dog – This is going to be contentious. But here’s the thing. That dog sucks. A Scotty? No thanks. I need a real dog, not some little shit dog that thinks its smarter than me. If they changed this dog to a Husky or a German Shepard it would be automatic number 1. I just cant get behind a Scotty though. That’s a show dog. I’m no show mom.
4. Horseback (Discontinued) – Not my piece of choice but a badass piece none the less. If you take the guy on the horse you’re old school cool. Probably don’t own a cell phone. Probably have a vintage chevy in your front lawn that you’ve been meaning to fix up and you most definitely wear a belt buckle. But I like that. I don’t fuck with people who pick the horse, they’ve seen some shit.
3.Tophat – By far the most underrated piece on the board. It takes a silent confidence to pick the top hat. Classy. Dignified. Calculating. Beware of the top hat, he’s probably also the person that offers to be the banker and steals 500 dollar bills on the side.
2. Battleship - Boss move. Doesn’t get any tougher than the Battleship. And I know that sounds silly because its a board game and the token is like 1 cm big but something about the Battleship just makes you better than the competition. You know it and you know what, so do your competitors. Strikes fear in their heart. You can feel it. The battleship provokes a tangible fear. Feels awesome.
1. Racecar - We can all agree that the winner of Monopoly is always the person who gets out in front and scoops up the best properties first (either that or the Top hat Jew guy that steals from the bank). And I know this is going to sound slightly ridiculous but I’m going to say it anyway. The car is 100% faster than every other piece. Its a car for christ sakes. It was meant to go fast. Every time I get the car I win. Every time. That’s just how it works. Its science. Cars go fast. Thimbles and wheelbarrow and battle ships stuck on land don’t. You want to win you pick the car. Also, it means you live fast and loose and you’ll probably end up fingering someone at the table after all is said and done. Chicks love getting fucked in convertibles, everyone knows that.
So there it is. That’s the definitive ranking. And don’t anyone be a hardo and say Monopoly is gay and that they don’t care what piece they are. Monopoly is an all time classic and if you don’t give a fuck about your piece then I don’t respect you as a person.