Barstool Sports

Mitchell, South Dakota - A 14-year-old boy was arrested Aug. 5 for allegedly driving with a blood alcohol level more than twice the legal limit with his allegedly intoxicated father in the passenger seat. Jay Robert Parker Jr. and his father, Jay Robert Parker, 49, both of Mitchell, were arrested shortly after midnight on Interstate 90 near mile marker 323, about four miles east of Mount Vernon.

When Harr approached the vehicle, he saw the younger Parker in the driver’s seat with his father seated next to him in the passenger seat, according to the affidavit. After allegedly performing poorly on a series of sobriety tests, the younger Parker was arrested for drunken driving. His blood alcohol was 0.165 at the time of his arrest, the report says. The legal limit for driving in South Dakota is 0.08. Authorities allegedly noticed the elder Parker smelled strongly of alcohol and had watery eyes, and found an open bottle of alcohol in the vehicle. No blood alcohol level is listed with the court documents associated with his arrest. The elder Parker is charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor and open alcohol container in a vehicle.

Sometimes all you need in life is a little change of perspective. Case in point this story. At first I was just as pissed as any other sane and rational person would be reading this. Getting too drunk to drive then having your kid whose twice the legal limit drive instead? Not a good look at all. But then I re-read this whole thing, switched out the names of the accused with another daredevil father and son combo and everything changed. It’s all about perception folks:

“A 14-year-old boy was arrested Aug. 5 for allegedly driving with a blood alcohol level more than twice the legal limit with his allegedly intoxicated father in the passenger seat. George Michael Bluth and his father, Michael Bluth, 49, both of Mitchell, were arrested shortly after midnight on Interstate 90.

When Harr approached the vehicle, he saw George Michael in the driver’s seat with his father seated next to him in the passenger seat. After allegedly performing poorly on a series of sobriety tests, George Michael was arrested for drunken driving. Authorities allegedly noticed Michael Bluth smelled strongly of alcohol and had watery eyes, and found an open bottle of alcohol in the vehicle. No blood alcohol level is listed with the court documents associated with his arrest. The elder Bluth is charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor and open alcohol container in a vehicle.”

And just like that the whole story takes a turn for the hilarious. The Jay Robert Parker boys are just a real-life edition of the Bluths, starring in their own intoxicated episode of Arrested Development. I can’t remember a time when Michael and his son got shitwrecked and drove around South Dakota, but that’s just semantics. I can even see Jay Robert Parker’s dad coming out of the shadows like “And that’s why you don’t let your 14 year old son slang back shooters and drive drunk” before the screen goes white and Ron Howard previews the next episode.

PS – Connections to what may be the funniest show of all-time aside, this may be one of the most genius moves a Dad has ever pulled. I mean there’s no question he’s getting a DUI if he drives himself, so you have the kid bite the bullet and you get off with a fraction of the legal trouble. It’s a win-win. You establish alpha male dominance over your son and send him off to 200 hours of community service right as he’s thinking he’s figured you out, and you avoid getting the drunk driving charge at the same time. These eyes haven’t seen a parental power move like that since Emma Kane got her Rx joint swarmed by the heat.