Barstool Sports

(Source) An employee of a watch kiosk at the Oaks Mall was arrested Wednesday afternoon after a shopper told police that he exposed himself, a Gainesville police report states.

Brendon Michael Majchszak, 26, was charged with lewd and lascivious exhibition following an incident that occurred around 1:15 p.m. at the Dakota Watch Co. kiosk, according to an arrest report.

A witness told police that she saw Majchszak masturbating. The report states that Majchszak appeared startled when the woman spoke to him, adding that he quickly walked away. When he came back to assist her, she noticed his zipper was open.

Majchszak told police that he never exposed himself and that he was not masturbating.

This is sort of like in Anchorman when Baxter eats the entire wheel of cheese and Ron Burgundy can’t even get mad because he’s so impressed. Like part of me wants to say that Michael Majchszak is a pervert and fucked up and blah blah blah but I can’t. He just jerked off in a watch kiosk. Do you know how technically difficult that is to do? There is literally nowhere to go. Its all out in the open. Seriously, find me a place where you can conceivably masturbate in something like this

Maybe under that small desk. Or maybe you can do one of those “I’m pretending to tie my shoe but I’m really jerking my dick off” moves under the watch band display. Other than that its basically impossible. Michael Majchszak is like the Evil Knievel of public masturbation. He makes that guy jerking off in the backseat passenger side of his car last week look like the safest man alive. Nothing but respect for a guy who lives life on the edge like this. Like ok lady, you want a new swatch for your kid’s birthday? Cool, just know that you’re also getting an erect penis in your eyeball as well. That’s just the price you pay if you want to shop at Mike Majchszak’s Watch Emporium.

PS
In all honesty, if my hair looked like that and I worked at a kiosk in a mall there is no chance I wouldn’t be masturbating in everyone’s face all day every day. Mike is down like 5 touchdowns in the game of life, no reason not to start taking some shots down field.