Barstool Sports

(Source) An “apparently intoxicated” Cook County prosecutor became disruptive in an adult store on the North Side and bit a worker in the leg when told to leave, authorities say. Sarah Naughton, 31, an assistant state’s attorney since 2008, was charged with misdemeanor battery and misdemeanor criminal trespass, police said.  She has been placed on administrative leave and will not be allowed to litigate cases, according to state’s attorney spokesman Andy Conklin. Naughton and a companion, both “apparently intoxicated,” entered Taboo Tabou in the 800 block of West Belmont Avenue around 7:40 p.m. Saturday, police said. They became disruptive and were told to leave, according to the police report.

But she “became belligerent” and bit a worker, leaving a visible welt on his leg, the report said. Her companion, Bradley Gould, 31, shoved the worker and made “menacing gestures” to him, according to the report. Taboo Tabou owner Mark Thomas said as soon the couple entered the store, the manager “knew they were trouble.’’ “They managed to get 10 or 12 feet into the store and she could tell they had diminished capacity,’’ he said. “We’ve been around since 1986, we’ve gone through skin heads, drug dealers, drunken Cubs fans, we’ve been through it all.”

The manager told the couple she would “love to” have them return another time, Thomas said. They left but started banging on the front windows.  “They were giving the finger to everybody who walked by,’’ Thomas said. “They were acting like jackasses.’’ The manager called for help from a 35-year-old employee of a cigar shop next door that Thomas also owns. “You don’t know who you are talking to,’’ Naughton told the worker and gave him a push, Thomas said. Gould then tried to take a swing at the worker and “chaos ensued,’’ according to Thomas. “They were really wobbling and she went down really quick on her own. When she fell, she grabbed his leg and bit him on the ankle and broke his skin,’’ Thomas said. Thomas took the worker to Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center, and Naughton and Gould were taken to a police station where they requested medical attention.

Now let me ask you a question. When you read that title did you ever in a million years think we were talking about a chick? Because I sure as fuck didn’t. Total surprise boner. Literally thought we were going to get into the intricacies of being a male and actually biting another man let alone someone in a porn shop and boom, Sarah Naughton is on the scene. Coming in extra hot. This is like one of those terrible Relationship Quizzes that your girlfriend takes in US Weekly or Vogue. “Does your man tell you you’re beautiful”, “Does your boyfriend buy you flowers”. “Does your hook up eat your vagina or just finger it?” Except this time its geared towards men and its one question.  “Does the girl you are seeing like to get bombed, go to porn shops and try to eat people”? Oh she does? Well marry her right now.

By the way, what’s up with Bradley Gould? shoved the worker and made “menacing gestures”? Oh man what a badass, not a menacing gesture, don’t do that. That’s how people get hurt Brad, menacing gestures are nothing to joke about. Maybe next time be a little more careful and just stick with rolling your eyes or letting out a deep sigh.

PS - “We’ve been around since 1986, we’ve gone through skin heads, drug dealers, drunken Cubs fans, we’ve been through it all.”

Skin Heads, drug dealers, and DRUNKEN CUBS FANS, you know the worst of society. I should be offended but I’m not, because I’m at least somewhat self aware, and realize that when i spend a Saturday afternoon drinking at Wrigley I am no better than a Nazi or Gang Banger. Truth is the truth.