Barstool Sports

Chicago Tribune - Police are warning businesses of two men who are suspected of robbing more than a dozen fast-food restaurants and small shops on the South and Southwest Sides since late September. At least 13 robberies have taken place in the South Chicago, Calumet, Gresham and Morgan Park police districts from Sept. 19 through Nov. 9, according to an alert from Area South detectives. The robbers, armed with silver or blue steel handguns and sometimes wearing masks, have gone into the businesses, jumped counters and demanded money, police said. During the robberies, they have pulled wires from surviellance equipment to try to disable it.

The robbers are distinctly different in height and weight, police noted, although they both are described as black men between the ages of 20 and 30 years old. One is 5-foot-3 to 5-foot-10 and weighing between 140 and 170 pounds, and the second is between 6-foot-1 and 6-foot-4 and weighs between 200 and 275 pounds, police said.

Must suck to be these guys today. You go on a two month free-for-all holding up every fast food restaurant on the South side stealing McChicken’s and 10 piece nuggets like it’s going out of style and finally today the cops lay the hammer down and release your information to the public. Yeah they caught a small break being that there’s no actual pictures but check out these physical descriptions:

“They both are described as black men between the ages of 20 and 30 years old. One is 5-foot-3 to 5-foot-10 and weighing between 140 and 170 pounds, and the second is between 6-foot-1 and 6-foot-4 and weighs between 200 and 275 pounds.”

Oh shit. There’s being specific and then there’s basically describing exactly how you look and telling everyone in the world about it. How many black men in their 20′s between 5’3″ and 5’10″ or 6’1″ and 6’4″ could there possibly be in this city? It’s like the Chicago PD are playing a game of criminal Guess Who against these two guys and asked “Are they black?” and then flipped almost all the faces over. Bummer city for these two guys.