Barstool Sports

WASHINGTON TOWNSHIP— A 68-year-old Dauphin County man is accused of attempting to steal a package of “male enhancement pills” and a bottle of eye drops Thursday morning. State police said William Joseph Roten, 68, of Williamstown, open a package of Extenze pills and put them into his pocket and grabbed a bottle of eye drops just before 11:30 a.m. at the Walmart along Kocher Lane. Roten ran out of the store when he was confronted by employees and was later identified from surveillance cameras footage, police said. Roten has been charged with retail theft.

I’m real confused by this story. Aren’t Extenze the pills that make your dick bigger? The one’s that have ads on the side of youjizz and youporn that are basically like the guy with the giant foam brick standing behind the basket while a player shoots free throws, constantly testing your focus and mental fortitude while you masturbate? Just seems weird for a 68 year old man to finally be getting around to working on his tiny dick. Hasn’t that ship sailed already Bill? You’ve lived over half a century with a nipple dick and now you’re going to steal some Extenze?

Like I consider myself a pretty big procrastinator. I dream big everyday, and everyday I end up on my couch watching Always Sunny reruns and playing X-Box. But I’m nothing compared to Bill Roten. Guy has been telling himself for 50 years today is the day I’m going to do something about my incredibly small penis. And for 50 years he’s done absolutely nothing. Rather just have another beer than add a couple of inches to his cock. And you know what, I respect the shit out of that. That’s a level of procrastination I hope to someday reach but know I won’t because I’m too lazy.

PS - This was the ad I found for Extenze.

Really? Its my fault my dick is small? You sure? Sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you have a boy haircut and look like a female Doug Funnie? Two people can make a dick small you know.