(Source) Detroit—The city of Detroit filed the largest municipal bankruptcy case in U.S. history Thursday afternoon, culminating a decades-long slide that transformed the nation’s iconic industrial town into a model of urban decline crippled by population loss, a dwindling tax base and financial problems.
The 16-page petition was filed in U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Detroit.
Gov. Rick Snyder’s office was making plans this afternoon to hold a Friday morning news conference at the Maccabees Building, 5057 Woodward in Midtown, according to a source. It’s the same location where the governor declared a financial emergency for Detroit on March 1.
Under state law, Snyder is required to approve a Chapter 9 filing. As of Wednesday, Snyder said he had not received any such request from Detroit Emergency Manager Kevyn Orr. Sources close to the governor said the situation is fluid, adding that Snyder intends to study Orr’s recommendations and related documents “for a couple of days” before making his decision.
Well all those jokes people have been making about Detroit for the past decade? Seems like they’re true. I don’t full understand the intricacies of how a city the size of Detroit can just file bankruptcy but we’re here. So naturally we have two choices. Fix it, or let Canada buy Detroit at a liquidation sale (I’m totally fine with this by the way). So here are my suggestions to Detroit. Not saying I should become Mayor because I’m pretty sure you have to live in Detroit to be the mayor of Detroit and there is no chance I’m doing that, but I will say I should probably be hired as a special strategic analyst to the city or something. Right now Detroit needs ideas, plain and simple. It’s time to start spitballing thoughts and seeing if one of them works. Just off the top of my head.
-Start making Avalons. Self explanatory, just start making the exact same car that Toyota makes. And everyone should do it. There should be a Ford Avalon, a Chevy Avalon, the Chrysler Avalon. So what if it’s copyright infringement, have you seen the shirts we make? Those laws don’t count.
-Frambulance – Half fire truck, half ambulance. Saves millions of dollars. Been my idea since forever and I’m going to give it to you Detroit. Nicest thing I’ve ever done, don’t fuck this up.
-Legalize prostitution, gambling, and marijuana AND put web cams literally everywhere. Houses, bars, whore houses, streets, everywhere. Vegas meets Amsterdam meets Casting Couch. Instant cash.
-More Buttfunnels. I’ve learned from the best. When shit gets bad, you add a butt funnel.
-Introduce new species – I’m talking lions, rhinos, those frogs you lick that make you hallucinate, rare birds, the works. When people get comfortable they go bankrupt. When we make Detroit Jumanji 2 everyone will have to be on their toes. Try being late to work when you’re being chased by a puma. Impossible. Also, you don’t need as many Cops when you have animals to police things for you.
-Reopen the Silver Dome and have every Wrestlemania there for the rest of time.
-Create a Baseball Hall Of Fame – I never understood why Cooperstown got the baseball hall of fame. Why can’t other cities just open their own hall of fame? This is America right? Capitalism still counts? If I was Detroit I would open a Baseball hall of fame tomorrow. People love that shit. Fuck Cooperstown, may the best Hall of Fame win.
-Gas powered everything – Not just cars. Gas powered cell phones, gas powered televisions, gas powered computers. Everything should be switched over to gas power. Gas is old reliable, you can literally fall back on gas power for the rest of time.
-Build a Moat around the city, fill it with sharks. Hey Big Cat, that’s fucking dumb bro, then no one can get to the city. EXACTLY. Ever been to an empty bar with a line out the door? You have to give the illusion of Exclusivity. I don’t want to go to Detroit right now, who the fuck does. But if you build a moat with sharks around the city and tell me I can’t come in well now I want in. It’s called Reverse Psychology, read a book.
Alright, that’s all I have in me today Detroit. I’m hungover and that type of brainstorming is exhausting. Follow these directions, give it 5-10 years, then get back to me.