MOON TWP. — A Moon Township woman has to learn how to play nice with her toys, according to a township police report. Moon police said Ashley L. Trimmer, 27, of 416 Fifth Ave. got into an argument with her boyfriend of eight months, William Ley, no age given, about 1 a.m. Wednesday at their home. Police said Trimmer picked up a Furby, an electronic robotic toy that looks like a cross between a hamster and an owl, and hurled it at Ley’s head while he was sitting on the couch. Ley suffered injury to the right side of his face, police said. Ley told police Trimmer then picked up a Sony PlayStation handheld remote control and hit him on the left side of his face. When officers arrived, they found Ley outside bleeding from his face with a red mark and swollen bump on his head. Trimmer was charged with simple assault and released on $2,000 bond. She is scheduled for a preliminary hearing on Tuesday.
This is one of those times where I want to defend the guy out of solidarity, I really do, we’ve all had crazy girlfriends before, the ones that just love to get in arguments, love the drama, love being that couple that always fights. There is nothing worse than accidentally dating that chick. But that’s the thing. Most of the time you find out you have a crazy girlfriend in month 3 or 4. They trick you at first. Seem totally normal only to have everything change once they’ve trapped you. But that’s where Bill went wrong. His girlfriend owned a fucking FURBY. He knew she was crazy from Day 1. I mean If you walk into a chick’s house and there is a Furby sitting in the living room, you turn around and walk directly out the front door. No ifs ands or buts. That’s a dealbreaker 10 out of 10 times. Because when a chick owns a Furby the only logical conclusion to the relationship is A) She beats you up with the Furby or B) She murders you, eats your body, buries the bones in the backyard and then masturbates her vagina with her Furby. That’s it. So frankly Bill, I can’t feel bad for you, in fact, you’re just lucky you’re still alive.
Only thing scarier than a Furby was that Buddy doll. I’m pretty sure my parents got me one just to fuck with me. I would literally stay up all night staring at Buddy knowing if I fell asleep he would 100% murder me the minute my eyes were closed. Basically didn’t sleep between the ages of 5 and 7.
*I guess the Furby could technically be William Ley’s, but then again if he owned a Furby he probably wouldn’t have a girlfriend.