MMBM: Supreme Court Joins A Long List Of NFL Coordinators Who Have Deemed The Redskins To Be Not Offensive Enough To Worry About Defending
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
In a Landmark victory for short people who own bad football teams, the Supreme Court this morning ruled that the federal goverment is not allowed to deny a trademark based on the grounds that it could be considered a slur depending on which 3% of every white persons DNA you consult.
Not being denied a trademark for youre team name that has been ruled to be a racial slur on a technicalty is the biggest win the Redskins have had since Robert Griffin tore his ACL on there negligently cared for field under the watchfull eye of a incompetent coach in a losing playoff game- allowing them to extend a series of franchise tags to Kirk Cousin’s that extend’s further into infinity then the plane of the goal line he cant break in the fourth quarter.
Its a rare occasion for the diminutive Dan Snyder to ever have the high ground or come out on top of anything but todays ruling certanly vindicates him and his long-held belief that the goverment shouldn’t get to decide which slurs are and arent approprate to be used in designating a football team. Dans a true underdog story in that he can pass beneath the dick of most member’s of the non-sporting group at Westminster so its nice to see the little guy win one for a change.
But with any ruling there are lot’s of unintended consquences. For example, Ritz is now free to trademark any new line of crackers depsite the fact it is arguably one of the top slurs in my opinion. And the R-Words pulled a alltime PR move ahead of the ruling by naming Doug Williams, the first starting African-American QB to win a Superbowl before the first white QB to win one after a African-America QB won a Superbowl -as the head of layer personell for the Redskins. Doug is joining Mike Pence as the only other guy in DC to be name Senior VP of PP which is the title you give a guy to make him feel importent but is basicaly the face who Dan Snyder breathes into every morning to ask if his breath smells and you get fired if you say it does.
This comes on the heels of a Donald Trump golf outing with Kirk Cousin’s where he undoubtedly gave Cousin’s some neogating tips like having final say over trade agreements, or being able to win with just 46.1%. Its a win-win in DC, as being aloud to make money off a gullble audience while tossing around native american slurs will undoubtedley help Dan Snyder as well as Trumps continued fued with Elizabeth Warren.
At any rate its a massive win for all of us fan’s out there who love to see a good guy win for once. Hang the damn banner folk’s:
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Amanda Hogan
Heres a little secret that Im going to let you all in on. Guys love football but for as long as time has been existed, it hasnt been socally acceptable to masturbate while watching it. Enter Lingiere football league. Finally- girls football for guys. The qualty of play is quite impressive and the LFL does a great job of filling that football-less gap that crops up between may and july. These ladies are atheletic, beautifull, and many even have cup sizes approaching that of Big Ben.
Little suggeston, how about a Twins Football League were every team has to have a identical twin. Would be a matchup nightmare for opposing coordnators but also a major treat for guys who are attracted to the MccCourtneys in theory but not in practice.
Anyhoo, Amanda Hogan got in a fight with a injured player or coach on the opposing team, which remind’s me I knew a roller derby girl one times who’s name was Ho-ey Porter.This lady from Pittsburgh stormed the field after Hogan got burned for a TD & started gloating but its not the first time some gawker has been KOd by Hogan,folks. This is what football should be like. Less pads on the legs and more pads betweeen them. These girls have some pride and if they wore jerseys theyd care more about the name on the front of them then the one on the back.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Colin Kapernick is single handedly keeping the NFLs take-industral complex operational this offseason. People forget he hasnt been signed by a NFL because he is either too not-racist or too racist to be a backup QB somewere. Over the weekend he tweeted out this image invoking the amercan law enforcement systems partial roots in slave patrols
Theres room for shades of gray here no offense to Ben Rotherlisberger. It can be true that there are elements of slave patrols that became state law enforecement organizations, just like its true that the Seattle Seahawk’s havent lost a AFC West divison title in 15 years. Plus you know who else use to go around blaming folks with gold star’s on there chests for all the worlds ills?
Also many people are saying that Colin Kapernick shouldnt be speaking out against injustice on account of his parent’s are white. This is a great point and explains maybe why white people around the world have been so racist for so long its just that we dont want to be hypocrits. Sorry for having intergrity. The way racism end’s is the same way families evolve as a whole Peoples kids share the same beliefs as there parents but only truly belive like half of the bullshit they hear growing up. Its The classic Arrow paradox where eventualy people will have almost no racism whatsoever where the US keep’s getting 3/5th of the way to elimnating it in perpetuity.
Speaking of Kapernick, the mercurial (a good word we use to describe someone whose brain we dont understand) former person I liked tweeted out a picture comparing police officer’s with former escaped slave patrol workers. Kapernick is actualy doing a good job here by making himsef allmost a boutique type hire. Players who love police officers are a dime a dozen in todays NFL so Kap is pretty much exclusiveley marketing himself to the Cincinati Bengals secondary. Its a fine line you have to walk in the league were if you are distrustfull of cops you cant get a job at all but if your too cozy with them you have to play QB for the Bucs.
2. Cam Newton is the worse teamate since Delonte West
Absoluteley disgusting display. The way he hostily insert’s himself into a prevously civil scenario its no wonder alot of folks are calling him Nam Newton.
3. Michael Floyd failed a alcohol test and blamed it on kombucha. Get him out of town. Guy is a walking breathing bad culture fit.
4. Chris Long confirmed on pardon my take yetserday exclusively that he is planning on wearing number 56 for the Eagles in 2017 because as a slow white guy its the number he beleves will make him look fastest. I subscribe to the Jason Babin school of stick to the 90s if your a caucasian defense of lineman with arm tattoos. Chris is to worried about standing out then he is about blending in. If I’m Chris I ask for a league exemption and have my nameplate removed from the back for one season and force announcer’s to call me blankman or teammate #90 or something cool that the kinds can look up to. People forget NFL stand’s for Not For Long and I doubt his famly has the right attitude to make it in this league.
5. Randy Moss had a touching intervew with the 97 year old Vikings radio man Sid Hartman wherein Moss impart’s the wisdom that its importent to respect your elders. You know a couple other elders that Moss could of respected? Dennis Green, Mike Tice, Art Shell, Lane Kiffin, Norv Turner, Bill Belicheat, Paul Tagliabue, &Roger Goodell. Also Jason Sehorn. I guess he’s ok with disrepsecting people who are older then him as long as there serving him barbecue or whatever. Randy Moss’ name literaly translates to Horny Gathering so its no suprise that his entire career has just been a orgy of self indulgents. The debate rages on on whose the best WR of all time and I personaly dont think it can be Moss. Impossble to beat the type of verstility of a guy like Jerry Rice whose name embodys derogatory names for both theathers of WWII back when America was great and we had like 16 million troop’s overseas sending etch a sketch nudes back and forth to there sweethearts all across the globe.
6. Congrats to the NFL for finaly solving racism in America for what feels like the 10th year in a row. There are now 8 minorty head coaches, 9 if you count Andy Reids HDL cholesterol levels,and 10 if you count Doug Pederson as being the only guy with a job in Phildelphia.
7. While many are saying that fathers day is the most important day for Antonio Cromarte, he still had to split the holiday with his wife- on account of for her, every day is also technicaly labor day.
8. Jon Grudens son Deuce, whose name was given to him to represent the number of superbowls his dad made with someone elses roster, is competing next week in the International Powerlifting Federation World Classic Powerlifting Championships which feel’s like a title they gave after passing out drunk in a thesarus. Deuce Gruden is 5’5 so he’s geneticaly predisposed to have superior padlevel. Also is there any more football guy move then naming your son after a literal motor? Look at this monster:
9. Adrian Peterson is no longer no saint, but he claimes he hasnt lost anything over the past couple years that hes spent injured or inactive. Purple Jesus is turning 33 soon and knows a thing or two about father’s foresaking there sons. Many folks are wondering if Petersons going to be able to not be a alpha in a backfield having to share touches with Mark Ingraham. But the truth is hes been prepping for this job for the last 5 years given that switch is just another name for change-of-pace.
10. Eric Decker is going to Music City because thats where his wifes future is, and since its a copycat league i expect Russel Wilson to move to Atlanta.
Whats Shakin In Sports Biz???
All you wanta be entrepeneurs have alot to learn about business. Enter the master
Yep. I dont know exactly what it means but Im 90% sure its gotta be another veiled threat to David Stern. As the old saying goes- “if you have to ask what a series of businessy nonesense words written in succession by a billionare means, then you cant afford to become one.”
Here are a couple more tips:
“The econmy is only as bad as ineffeciencies dictate. A true disrupter dosent see weakness, but rather strength.”
“ABC. Always be Cuban.”
“As a widley successful sports owner I’ve learned one thing: Dont try to control your passion- instead let your passion… control you. Also Draft Dirk Nowitzki”