MMBM: Colin Kaepernick Flies Cargo Plane Filled With 60 Tons of Food To Somalian Children Despite No Evidence That It Will Improve Their Math & Science Scores
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
There are a few thing’s you look for when evaluating a Quarterback of the future in the NFL. 1. Is he an “it” guy/does he have that “it” factor? 2. How does he looking coming off a bus? We call this the eyeball test. and 3. is he more concern with reading the peoples history of the united states than his playbook. Dont get me wrong its good to have a QB who is aware of his surroundings but I also want him to spend more time knowing whose going to pick up a blitz than worrying about whose going to pick up his community.
That being said- what in the world does Colin Kapernick think he’s doing??? The former 49ers QB didnt exactly make a great case for his decision-making over the weekend, as he paid for or hijacked a shipment of 60 tons of food to be sent out to starving children in Somalia depsite having zero evidence that it would help improve there standardized test scores. Colin shipping food and water to people overseas is like if the Broncos offered to pay for some of the Texans Brock Osweler cap-hit just out of being good citizens. At the very least he should take measures to make sure that the food isnt going to children whose parents have ever smoked hashish, otherwise this can only be seen as coddling undesrble behavior. If children learn that the easiest way to meet there favorite NFL star is by turning down meals your going to see a continent full of folks taking advantage of us.
The most concerning part of this whole operaton is the fact that by assisting Somalian children,Colin Kapernick is supporting internatonal piracy. By giving aid and comfort to youths in Somalia, they feel emboldened to embark on a career in either pirating or soap-making/biological weapon systems engineering, either way they become a existential threat to the United States and all the freedoms that it stands for. Maybe you should of thought about that before you spoke out about our country.
This guy is more blackbeard then blackballed folks, or maybe hes just angling for the backup job in Tampa Bay since he seems to want to help out the buccaneers so much. Remember last year when Blaine Gabbert said “I am the captain now?” well if Kapernicks going to be flying planes across the globe and feeding hungry children with subpar standardized test scores is that really a man you want playing quaterback? I saw him earlier this year playing catch with a disabled boy depsite the fact that the kid has no shot at making a 53 man roster at WR with the possble exception of the Eagles. Its a small thing but these are examples of why we cant trust him to look at big-picture issues with clear eyes.
Alot of crybabies are out there complaining that Colin Kapernick is being blackballed for taking a knee during the national anthem. Well if thats the case coudnt you say that Brett Farve is being blackballed for being a heterosexual, or that Johnny Manziel is being blackballed for his cleancut sober lifestyle in todays hard-partying NFL? Matt Flynn hasnt had a job recently is he being blackballed because of his simlarty to that midwestern dentist because he made a name off one night where he slaughtered the Lions? Well its defnitely a possibilty, but Kapernicks latest PR stunt of flying 60 tons worth of food to malnourished children in Africa so they can eat is the epitome of being selfish. The timing is just so questonable. It was also ironic earlier this season when he was still on the 49ers roster how he said that he was going to donate millions to charity during the season. The timing was just so questionable.
The CIA flew cocaine back and forth to people in the United States who were getting sick from not having enough of it and there looked at as villains. Kapernicks doing the same thing just with food but were not aloud to criticize him? Hey great job getting east African children addicted to vegetables Colin, when they go into withdrawls thats going to be your fault as well.
Its also funny how the media is so quick to praise Kapernick for starting his own little syndicte straight out of a Joseph Hesser novel where hes transporting goods all over Africa and the Mediterranian and giving away food- a total rip off-yet hes somehow able to afford all these big planes to do it? Give me a break. I want a guy who spend’s less time studying Catch-22 and more time studying All-22. Its the syndicate- and everybody gets a share- sounds alot like communism to me folks.
On to the awards:
Want to do a couple quick housekeeping item’s for the MMBM here. The column is a living breathing organism which is why I’ll never abort it and it needs to evolve and adapt with the changing times. So there are going to be some changes- the 69 of the week is going to be replaced by PFTs Sports-Business Sybian – a prevously untapped area that examines the business of sports wether thats through foods that are now offered at stadiums, ticket prices’, or basicaly just reprinting press releases that Under Armor sends me. Cant beleve no ones thought of this before.
Road Grader of the Week: Coach Sarkey
In the “this is why Trump won” file, a bunch of crybaby parent’s out in Spokane cried to the school board and got beloved Football Coach Jim Sharkey supsended because their kids cant take a joke. Coach Sharkey, who in addition to being the football coach, also teaches fitness and leadership classes at Ferris High school completing his lifes destiny that has been set into motion since he was benched his junior year of college probably. It seems Shark was allegedly just pulling the old “check out this hot dog, sike its my dick” prank at one of his world-famous summer football camps:
A couple of weeks after the camp, a Ferris player came forward and said that while Sharkey was grilling, he turned with his exposed penis inside a hot dog bun. Sharkey said, “You think that is a big dog – take a look at this,” according to school records that listed multiple different versions of the same quote.
Its a classic. Probly just showing the kids what a real man looked like. I guess these pacific northwest parents are just upset he didnt serve tofu dogs or offer to compost there children’s puke after they barfed all over his cool grown-up hog.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. R.I.P. to Chuck Berry one of the alltime great songwriters for Pat Boone and Elvis Presley. Berrys life was complicated and some of these effort’s to turn him into a saint posthumously are concerning. For example, Chuck invented rock ‘n’ roll so in edition to praising him for spawning Led Zepplin, Aerosmith and Lil Waynes Drop The World, lets not let him off the hook for Creed, 3 doors down, and the last 4 Incubus albums either.
2. Berrys death was honestley underwhelming given its timing. Heres a free tip to celebrities- dont die in the middle of one of the all-time sports weekends of the year. You get totally swallowed up by the headlines. Say what you want about Obama but he would of sat on this news untill a empty Sunday night and gotten the most milage out of this tragedy. Just waiting to see now that Chuck Berrys dead the Beach Boys are just going to die a couple weeks later and pretend it was there idea.
3. Jay Glazer of Fox Sport’s is reporting that the FBI has discovered the culprit in the Tom Brady jersey stealing investgation. Glazer claims that the person who snuck away with Bradys jersey was posing as a foreign correpsondent.
Build that wall folks.
4. Reports are coming in hot that the same theives stole Von Millers cleats and helmet after his Superbowl win, wonder if they also stole Cam Newton’s sense of decorum and voicebox after that game too. Huh.
Just if your keeping score:
-Number of jerseys stolen by the credentialed media: 2
-Number of jerseys stolen by the uncredentialed media: 0
5. Not sure if related but going back through some old AP images and this one kind’ve jumped out to me:
Im extremely woke, not to brag, so anytime a major incident like this happen’s you ask yourself who stands to benefit. And make no mistake this is the NFLs 9/11. Attacked on our own soil by foreigners using our own credentals against us. Roger Goodell is going to use this to demonize the media, enact more stringent law enforcement protocols in the press box, wiretapping my tweets, and possbly declaring a preemptive war against Barstool- a company that hes had a grudge against for a long time but literaly has no connecton to this incident. Its literaly going to be a PATRIOT act. Its a blood for ink war and Amercan’s need to keep there eyes open about this one if they care about the first amendment at all.
But lets call it what it is- the NFLs going out of its way to smear a credentaled media member as a ongoing war on the press to consolidate power in his NFL Network propganda machine. Not saying that Ian Rapoport is Himmler but lets not go out of our way to not reach that concluson either. You know who else blamed things on the media right and made a all-out effort to bring everything inhouse? Thats right it was Hitler. Soon enough all outside branches of independent journos will be sent off to camps over the springtime. Sure there called OTAs but still you have to admit theres a similarty there. Stay woke this is going to be used as a pretext to take away our buffets, access,& police escorts to and from important games, as well as a excuse to make us give up our sources for leaked wonderlic score. Press on.
7. Marshawn Lynch is open to coming back to the NFL to play for his hometown Oakland Raiders. Now a pessmist like me might be wondering if Lynch is simply looking to move into Jamarcus Russels old locker to inherit his supply of skittles & sprite remix, but other’s out there are seeing this as a win-win. The Seahawk’s signed Feast Mode Eddie Lacy, and so Lynch wants to prove that hes still good enough to have his talent wasted, and the Raiders want to prove that last year was no fluke and that they can choke in the playoffs with any running back.
8. Thoughts and prayers to Dwight Clark who announced this morning that he has been diagnose with ALS. There is no science out there indicating a link to being in close proximity to Chris Berman with developing Lou Gherigs disease but Im just saying Berman was there for the catch. If you’d like to make a donaton to support ALS research so that perhaps one day science can prove a definite link between boomer and this terrible disease, while also helping to care for patients currently dealing with the symptoms, right here would be a good place to start.
9. Rex Ryan just got a job doing NFL stuff with ESPN were I guess he will be working for free while receiving his $3 million/year Bills Head Coaching salary still. Ive been not coaching the Buffalo Bill’s for years just simply because its something that I love to do- never once thought about asking to get paid for it. I think ESPNs audence will see through Ryan’s true motivations and continue to gravitate toward analysts like Herm Edwards who arent on the take from a NFL team and only there because there not good enough to find a team that will fire them.
10. Two thumbs up to the New York Giants for resinging DE Jason Pierre Paul. Im not going to make any jokes about losing 3 fingers but I supsect a major part of the Giants postseason collapse was the fact that there defensive leader was unable to hold up the “four” when its the 4th quater and inspire his teammates to play harder. When I was in High School I was the best at holding up the four. It meant that you werent tired anymore and that the other team didnt run wind sprints for coach at the end of every practice like every team youve ever been on team did. Thats why scouts measure hand size on defensive players at the combine they want to see those mitts raised high like the flag at Iwo Jima.
New Segment: PFT’s Brand Corner: Riding The Sports/Business Sybian
The Good folks down under at Peak Athletic have sent me one of the most coveted shoes in the history of footwear since Nike tried to bottle the water Jesus walked on: The Delly 1. The shoe is being sold for $160 australian dollars, in other words 3 dead snakes, and it is worth every scale. Fair warning I wasnt able to actually walk around in them on account of the shoes are still in production so they were only able to send me one shoe, which would make it somewhat diffcult to evaluate them for a journlist whose not as experenced as I am when it comes to imagining what stuff feels like.
One of my favorite features of the shoe is the cheeky exterior. In Australia there are a million types of animals that can kill you and my personal favorite is the funnel web spider, which was the inspiration for the design on the sides IMO. This is a spider that eats large animals, even pigeon. Speaking of eating birds, the Crikey Air has a extremely nimble tongue- sure to impress all the sheilas in the bedroom. On the side we’ve got a triangle that is slightly disconnected, aka a Wide open three pointer- Delly’s favorite shot and a keen reminder to allways make the extra pass for your teammate.
Theres a X- on the bottom of the shoe in what appears to be a keen tip of the cap to our lord and savior jesus christ- not the first time a cross has protected your sole. In conclusion, Whether your going for a walkabout or a throwing some bouncy, say goodbye to the metric system because with these boots the foot is the gold standard.